Hate guys. Hate myself for making guys spurn me. Hate friends. Hate subconciously relying on them for support. Will never get any. Hate them for it, who are you and where was the human being I was friends with? You are selfish.
Alex, txted him to hang out tom. Has not replied yet. Am fool. If he does he thinks it will be to come over and hook up….not so…am going to ask where he is? with us? no? yes? wants to see others? interested on making steps w me? No, he is not. I hate it, but I would say most likely true. Am disposable, hate him for making me kind of trust on him when I’m in ruins. Like another thing to worry about.
Am recluse, numb, not a person. Put on a show for others, there is no show for me, reality. Want to go to sleep and never wake up. Good thing about tom? Welll def not that Alex will most likely say he doesnt want me, I will hate that part. Will get it done with, will say how I feel and take the rejection. Hate it. Will not hang with friends sat before game. Have decieded. Will spend weekend with mom. Will………not sure what will do. Am very sad, very disposable. Why do I do this to myself? So awkward. I never thought coming back would be this hard. Done with it, done with life.
All the good moments don’t allieveate this. Tired of forcing myself and getting blown away. Am all alone. Am worthless. Am sad, so at least, since everything else has most likely gone to shit, I can concentrate on mom coming. But that is so depressing. Not worth air, hate hate hate it. Don’t want to push on. What does life mean? It looks so different from the outside. All I see are failures, rejection.
Will not enjoy meeting w Alex. Slept over their last night, now has still not returned my txts? No longer interested. I hate you. I feel like you were my one chance and its already blown up. Class w him will be so weird now. Where will I sit? uuuhhhgg