So here I am writing this to journal my path where ever it may lead. My ex-husband finally agreed to let me have my son for a few days. I had to grovel and beg. He berated me as usual; he commented that I am the one who is abusive. I just agreed with him and begged for forgiveness. I will do anything to see my little boy. My ex then told me that I would not be able to take our son to visit my mother who is now dying. He says he is just no comfortable… What can I say? He still controls me, even now……
But the last few days I had my son. I was so happy. I even managed to convince my younger daughter to come over along with a friend. My house was filled with laughter. It was wonderful.
Sunday, I had to return my son to his dad. I received a text from my ex barking at me to make sure that I returned him by 5pm and not to feed him as he would be sharing a "family dinner." He also demands more money.
I told myself to be strong however; tears filled my eyes as I drove my son up the drive to his father’s home. I am not sure when his dad will let me see him again. I hugged my boy and watched him walk into the house where he will have dinner with my ex, and his new girlfriend. His new family that will have dinner together. My daughters are there too.
I am an outsider, and my family is dead to my ex as I am to him as well. He will not allow my children to be part of my family, the only family my daughters ever knew as they grew up. He controls everything now, it seems even my children’s memories have faded of my family and even all the things I did with them as they were growing up. Now, I am just told by my children who use their dad's words, "You left mom, you abandoned us." I am told by my son that dad says the new girlfriend is now moving in. That she is selling her home so she can take care of dad and the family. Soon their dad will now have access to her money and property. They have now only dated for about 3 weeks. I am preparing for the worst. With her financial support he will no doubt try and take my son completely from me.
I am just so sad. I am watching a horror movie and am paralyzed to do anything.
I miss my children. I miss the sounds; I even miss the smell of their hair.
I am trying hard to just get through today….It’s so quiet and I am just so sad…