What an odd day it's been. Nothing special to be told. Just kind of "blah" all around. It fits my mood though. That's how I feel ~ blah. I got to sleep last night around 1:30 a.m. finally, but didn't sleep well. Still, I'll take that over no sleep at all… Yeah, the doc and I are going to have a talk about the Abilify; it isn't for me. We need to try something else.

I just got up from a 2 and a half hour nap because I was so tired today. I finished my book and it was good. Amazingly it was a children's chapter book, but it was really well written and the story was interesting too. I now also think I need to read all the books I allow my son to have before letting him read them. This one would have scared the pants off of him, lol. No ~ no need for nightmares, and that's exactly what it would do.

Since my husband is working another double shift today we're going to go take him dinner and have dinner with him around 6 p.m. I hate fast food but I don't really have the energy to cook. I'm taking a microwavable chicken pot pie. He wants Sonic for dinner and so does Zachary. There goes good food choices for my son for the day.

To be honest I'm feeling really down, like wanting- to- lay- down- and- quit kind of down. I just want some peace from this wretched disease! Is it really so much to ask to feel things like most other people do? To not be soaring among the stars ecstaticly or wishing I was in a coffin or inthe middle ~ where everything is just colorless and pointless; that would be heaven to me.It's been so long since I've had a"good" day (healthy day) that Idon't remember what it feels like. That's why I put that picture up on my page of me saying "Healthy Me" ~ to remindme of how I can be and feel when I'm healthy. It keeps me trying.

I feel ridiculous for complaining so much the last month. It's not how I usually am; but I seethis as my personal journal ~ myblog~ and it's one thati allow other peopleto see as well. I feellike here I don't have tobe what I'm not, I don't have to put on the"happy face" for the world that I do inlive social situations. My thought on things on this blog are simply if you don't want to read it or don't like it, don't read it. That's all.

But back to feeling guilty about complaining…Iknow so many people who are worse off than I am, and thinking about that I feel guilty for feeling as low as I do. People that don'thave enough moneyfor gas in the car, food on the table, or a roof over their heads. People that go through each day wonderingwhether or not thosethingswillbe there tomorrow as well and being afraidof it all. I've been theretoobut am blessed enough to notbethere now. We're close though.We're down toour last little bit of savings to get us through the next3 months until a tax return comes in. I'm not sure we're going to make it. My lack of financial income has us on the brink and if something doesn't give it's all going to break. My husband makes just enough to pay the bills with his paychecks, but it doesn't allow forgroceries, gas, or any frivilousthings really. He keeps havingto dig intosavings tokeep us afloat every paycheck. And I feel so horrible about it.I'm a big part of the reason our savings is almost gone completely. Nomore dreams about a houseof our own soon enough, no morehopes for a week-long vacation to the mountains for our family. It's all gone. We may not even be able togo over to see my Dadfor 3 days,it depends on how much Aaron's overtime will pay from this week. Luckily almost allthe Christmas shopping isdone already. We have onemore gift for our son to do ~ build him a tire swing ~ and then he's finished. The rest is just little stuff for close family, but it does add up quick.

Well, myson is begging me to go play with him outside, so I guess I'll move my carcass out there to play mega-beachball with him. (The ball is 48" indiameter!) I hope you all are doing welland sorry I'm not doing my rounds today~ just too tiring and takes too much effort that I don't have right now to give. Love you anyway my friends. I'm am thankful for you.


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