This is my first blog post so, be patient with me.

If you’ve seen my updates, you’d know that I, had just got out of my first serious relationship. I’m 17 years old, and my girlfriend broke up with my after 3 years. It’s been aout a month, but so much has happened that I can’t even recount it over this post. The summary, is that we both had issues. I had severe insecurities, trust issues, control issues, and trouble with my adhd, while she had problems with the same things relatively, plus we both had communication problems. I, didn t do a lot in the relationship. I stopped planning dates and making decisions for us because I was scared of messing up. I constantly needed reassurance and I was so overly emotionally sensitive that she couldn’t tell me things that would upset me. She lost all respect for me and couldn’t take it anymore. And after breaking up, I continued to fuck up. And now, she’s acting like I’m not even here. We sit next to each other for two periods in school, and I can feel her trying to erase me from her mind. And it hurts so fucking much. I’m trying to fix myself and show off the new me but it crushes me everytime I see her. I’m much better now but, I want her back more than anything. But the update is, that I can’t even escape the thoughts about her in my dreams. She’s always there. And the most recent was the most devaststing. It was a school party and I was enjoying myself, when she arrived. She looked amazing, absolutely gorgeous, but she started hanging out with everyone else, taking pictures together, and not once, did she ever look at me. It was like I was invisible. She even talked to the person I was speaking to, and acted like I was never there to begin with. And I felt all the happiness drain from my body. And, I was suddenly standing in my driveway, completely in control of the dream. The long road that stretched both east and west was bathed in darkness, since it was night. I could wiggle my fingers and move, and all that. And, I heard a car. I turned and saw it’s bright headlights, heading along the road. And I felt the hopelessness, the happiness draining from me as I thought about her ignoring me. And I closed my eyes, and took a breath. I started to feel numb. I didn’t feel sad, or afraid, or angry. And I kept my eyes closed, hearing the car come closer, and, while still being in full control, I waited till the noise was almost deafening, before stepping out into the road, right in front of the car. And I felt no anxiety, no sadness, no fear. I heard the brakes squeal and, then I was awake. I felt, extremely hopeless. And now, I don’t know what to do anymore.

 

2 Comments
  1. trashy-maggie 5 months ago

    I am so sorry I wish I could do something to make you feel better. I know how much it hurts to have someone so close forget about you & everything you had. You described it exactly on point with feeling drained, almost like a walking, talking dead person. I went & am currently going through something like that. Every time he came around, it’s like he drains every last drop of happiness & life left in me. Almost like he sucks the air right out of me. My anxiety gets so bad that it makes it hard to breathe which adds on to the never ending list of health problems. Often times, I find it hard to breathe & with my ADD, I lash out bc I get scared & confused. Sometimes I just wish I was gone so I wouldn’t have to cause anyone pain like that & I am so sorry that is how you feel & just know that I am here for you any time you need it.

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    peytonbarnard-crum 5 months ago

    Its, ok. I’m glad to know someone knows the feeling. I’ll make sure to message you whenever I’m having more problems or just need to talk.

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