I cant figure out what has happened to me as of late. I have managed to go from completely collective to practically fearful of everything. I have noticed that it has increased greatly in the last 2 years. I know it is me I know it is paranioa and I know that I am the one who needs to control it but I cant. And best of all I have no one I can talk to. Lately I feel like I am at a dead end especially with work I am 3 days away from 7 years with my company and I keep getting turned down for promotions and advances. Im fearful of people outside of work but I have no problem talking to customers all day. I do my best to make everyone feel welcome and wanted. I know I have a dark humor side but I retain that to myself. I want to do so many things but I am afraid to try anything new anymore. I would like to go to school again, buy a house go out of the country for a vacation, advance my career. But all of these things I have now become to fear and dont want to fail at. Im not afraid of things within my comfort zone but I feel like walls are closing in on me. Every time I think I have it under control I panic and dont know who to ask or where to go because I dont want the people who know me to think I am not as strong willed as they think I am. I had one person put me in total panic at work and its been 8 days since and I have maybe eaten 6 times and slept a total of 15 hours. I feel guilty if I am enjoying my day off, buying something for myself (even a meal) that cost less then 10 dollars; going to the store just to walk around, riding a bicycle. It doesnt matter what I try to do everything leaves me with guilt. If I am talking about something I am content as long as the topic continues but once stopped I revert back to previous thoughts. I feel like I have failed what I should have become and how I have progressed with my career choice. And now wonder if I am even capable of completing it.