Ah, it just has not been a good day for me. Not that days are usually good but I panicked all day today. So i'm going to vent and hoping it will make me feel better. The amount of pills i have to take are increasing by the day sense addiction runs in my family. Days run into another. I know self harm is bad but why is it so effective to kill the pain? It releases endorphines and sometimes its the only way i know how to cope. I never wanted to be this way. I don't want to burden my family and make them deal with a person like me. I wish i could go to school everyday and make them proud of me. My parents are always here for me, but I feel so much guilt. My mom goes through so much to begin with and i have to add to her grief. Off topic: but I want kids one day, but how will i ever be able to take care of them like this? I want be able to be there for them. I can't even get out bed, how would i cook for them, take them to school, etc. How would i hold down a job when everything outside my bedroom walls terrify me? I don't want to have to stay drugged up my whole life and feel nothing. This is the only life I get, and I haven't experienced anything. I lost my childhood and my highschool years were horrible because i couldnt even go to school. The one thing I have so much passion for is softball and I lost my chance to play this year because i'm homeschooling. I want it all back, all the chances. Its not fair, this life i was givin was a waste. Sometimes I even wonder why i was put here….to struggle everyday? It's a life i wouldn't wish on anyone. I want to enjoy life and experience everything because i have missed out on so much. And even if i got the strength to go out tonight and be determined to get out of the house, I wouldnt have fun because i would be panicking the whole time. So why even bother? I don't want to panic anymore thats why i just stay in my room so i can get some kind of comfort. I want to get better more than anything, but its so hard when anxiety is the only thing ive ever known. I dont know any other way of living. Im stuck in this room, alone pondering on my life and my future and I know that my anxiety will always be here. It brings me to tears. I wanted so much more.

1 Comment
  1. peachiepeach90 12 years ago

    I've been there.. Exactly right where you are.. in my room afraid of even leaving the house.

    There's hope. And i know you don't feel like there is, but there is.  Everything you have said above are things that I worry about also.. (how can i ever have kids? what will my future hold? is my mother upset with me because I can't be the daughter I think she wants me to be?")

    And especially the feeling of never being able to have fun. My therapist will ask me, "Did you go to the movies with your friends last night?" And I say yes.. But when he asks if I enjoyed it it is a whole nother story. It seems everything is a struggle.  Eating..sleeping.. breathing..And once I did go out and try to have fun it seemed the panic took that away from me also.

    I would love to talk to you sometime, I know i mentioned tihs before, but I feel like we have too much in common to not talk…

    God bless.

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