Ah, it just has not been a good day for me. Not that days are usually good but I panicked all day today. So i'm going to vent and hoping it will make me feel better. The amount of pills i have to take are increasing by the day sense addiction runs in my family. Days run into another. I know self harm is bad but why is it so effective to kill the pain? It releases endorphines and sometimes its the only way i know how to cope. I never wanted to be this way. I don't want to burden my family and make them deal with a person like me. I wish i could go to school everyday and make them proud of me. My parents are always here for me, but I feel so much guilt. My mom goes through so much to begin with and i have to add to her grief. Off topic: but I want kids one day, but how will i ever be able to take care of them like this? I want be able to be there for them. I can't even get out bed, how would i cook for them, take them to school, etc. How would i hold down a job when everything outside my bedroom walls terrify me? I don't want to have to stay drugged up my whole life and feel nothing. This is the only life I get, and I haven't experienced anything. I lost my childhood and my highschool years were horrible because i couldnt even go to school. The one thing I have so much passion for is softball and I lost my chance to play this year because i'm homeschooling. I want it all back, all the chances. Its not fair, this life i was givin was a waste. Sometimes I even wonder why i was put here….to struggle everyday? It's a life i wouldn't wish on anyone. I want to enjoy life and experience everything because i have missed out on so much. And even if i got the strength to go out tonight and be determined to get out of the house, I wouldnt have fun because i would be panicking the whole time. So why even bother? I don't want to panic anymore thats why i just stay in my room so i can get some kind of comfort. I want to get better more than anything, but its so hard when anxiety is the only thing ive ever known. I dont know any other way of living. Im stuck in this room, alone pondering on my life and my future and I know that my anxiety will always be here. It brings me to tears. I wanted so much more.