When you feel anxious, do you like to have others around you?
Here is why I am asking….
My Mom is a cancer survivor. She goes through intensive tests, scans and follow-ups every 3-4 months. She travels across the county for this.
I have gone with her every time for the past 2 years. I have an older brother who hardly ever helps. I also have an older sister who lives in that part of the country who refuses to help. I have missed work and cancelled vacations to do this.
I suffer major anxiety during these trips. I can\'t sleep. My stomach is sick the entire time. When I come home I have nightmares for weeks. The reprieve of good news is too short because then we start worrying about test results for the upcoming trip.
Last time the doctors spotted tiny nodules on my Mom\'s lungs. Very small, they want to do another scan and bloodwork called "tumor markers" in October.
My Mom asked me to come with her. I said no. My fiance is being honored for his work and we have a trip planned. I also don\'t want to go in general, it brings my anxiety level up way too high. My brother and sister should help.
My Mom forgets all the good I have done and calls me a dissapointment, lumped into the same unhelpful and ungrateful category as my brother and sister. She says my priorities are out of whack. She says I don\'t care that should potentially get horrible news and be all alone. She says she is not angry, but now she only says 2 words to me when I talk to her on the phone and won\'t look me in the face when I see her.
I understand that she is scared, but she is too wrapped up in her fear to respect where I am coming form and all I have done.
Obviously if she gets bad news and needs help, I will be there, just so you all know.
I try my best, if I say no to something it\'s because I absolutely have to for my own sanity. My best is not good enough.
I want my parent back.