So, I had a confrontation with someone I used to be friends with on here.  (Not naming any names.)  Anyway, this person said that all I do is whine about my boyfriend on here and that I am an attention seeker, basically implied that I am not a real friend, am selfish, a complainer, etc.  Well, we had a falling out several years ago so this may all be motivated from all that I don't know.  Unfortunately when I receive criticism I have a hard time discerning the truth in it.  Of course I don't want to be a bad person.  So I'm going to try to change.  For my defense however before leaving I will say the following things:

 

1.  I thought this was supposed to be a support group.  A place where you could feel safe to express whatever you wanted.  Some of us (myself included) for various reasons don't have many people we can talk to in real life.  We try to use this as a safe outlet.  

 

2.  Along with # 1 – I do not have ulterior motives.  Yes I am seeking support.  Is that attention?  Yes I suppose so.  But what is wrong with that?  As I mentioned I do not have a support network in real life.  How are we supposed to go through this life virtually alone?  But I guess that is what some people believe we should do…and maybe I am wrong for thinking I need to talk to people about my problems/issues.  Maybe we are supposed to somehow internalize everything and "deal with it on our own"???  Don't know how I will do that, but I guess I'm about to try to.

 

3.  I sincerely apologize if anyone felt I was just on here to whine about my boyfriend.  That is NOT the case.  I have often brought up issues related to our relationship – because my OCD issues affect us and our relationship greatly.  As indicated before I did not realize I should be censoring what I put on here.  I did not know there were guidelines.  Or maybe I am supposed to be happy all the time on here and only be on here to offer love and support to others.  How I wish that were the case in my life!!!  I wish it were so!!! Unfortunately I find myself in need of help too much of the time.  I thought that was alright here.  I guess I was wrong.  

 

4.  I try to help others.  I try to post helpful comments on others pages.  I don't want it to all be "about me"….God forbid!  I realize so many of us need help and support on here and I try to offer it whenever I am able.  I'm so sorry if I really am that selfish and don't realize it.  I don't want to be a bad person.  🙁

 

5.  If I am negative on here it is because I really do have a lot of difficult things in my life to deal with besides my OCD.  My therapist and family have told me that even so I don't think it's just me thinking it.  I am only honest on here with my issues and what is going on in my life.  Basically this person has suggested that it is wrong somehow for me to share these things.  I don't know if they are right or wrong but I never want to offend anyone, so I will be leaving the site again for a while.  I am going to try to handle my problems on my own.  Maybe that is for the best – I don't know.  

 

"Do no harm" is part of the Hippocratic Oath – How I wish it were possible to live my life by that oath….but being human means we sometimes unintentionally harm others.  I don't want to however, and if me being on this site and saying what I do (in the hope of getting help/support myself) harms others – then I'd rather withdrawal.  I am going to start today to try to change my life on my own.  I may still go to my therapist – at least I am paying her to listen to me – but I'm going to try hard not to talk to others about my problems.  I will have to learn to find my own solutions.  Then I can be assured (hopefully) that I am not inflicting harm on others by my words. 

 

The only thing I wonder about it how do you help others without sharing personal information with them or drawing from your own experiences?  It seems then that whatever I would have to offer would be empty, cliché responses?  And those usually annoy more than help others.  Usually they want to know that you can relate, right?  They are searching for shared experiences so they don't feel abnormal…so they can relate to others.  That is how we connect, right?  Are we not to connect except on superficial levels?  That sounds like a horrible and shallow existence….I don't want that either….

 

I don't know what to do.  I guess there is a balance I need to find.  But that is the problem with my entire life – BALANCE EVADES ME!  I am either one extreme or the other.  Not intentionally, but that is the way I interpret life – that's the way reality is painted for me – by me?  Whatever….

 

I want to get it all right.  I want to be a good, normal person, but I don't know how.  I can't get it right.  I seem to always have problems.  I know no one wants to be around people with problems.  But I've made mistakes and I'm now living out the consequences of them.  I wish I was perfect and happy….like all the shiny people holding hands….

 

But that is fake too!  No one is without problems.  They have theirs too – I know it!  So we are all just not supposed to talk about them???   That's it?  We are supposed to hold them all inside???  I think I'll explode.  But I guess that is what I've got to try to do….

 

Maybe I can cope with exercise.  And we are supposed to talk to God about everything.  Maybe those 2 things will somehow be enough.  Geesh…I feel like I need to apologize for being on this earth.  I'm sorry that I cannot cure my humanity and imperfection.  God – I wish I could!  I really do!  Won't happen though until I die….

  

For those I was just getting to know by being back on here – I'm sorry that I have to leave.  Don't know what else to do though.  As hard as I try I cannot make everyone happy in life.  Wish I could.  But it's an impossible task and I just can't seem to determine who is right and who is wrong.  Who I should listen to and who I shouldn't.  Maybe that skill was lost in my development somewhere.  But at least going it alone is something different.  Being tough is something I haven't tried yet.  Or maybe I have and I've failed – I can't remember.  But I guess it's time to try again.  I wish you all the best in your struggles with OCD and life.  I'll still be struggling with you, and you'll be in my thoughts for sure.  Take care until we meet again….

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    You do not need to defend yourself, this is the place where we rant rave cry, etc because we are in pain.  There are many people on here in untenable situations and I encourage them to keep on ranting and raving.  You do not want to absorb or internalise all the toxic stuff that hopeful you can leave imprisoned on your blog.  So keep on raving ranting whining whatever as long as it keeps you afloat.  Your well being is all that counts. Peoples responses are only feedback.  Do not pay attention to any feedback that is not supportive of your efforts to survive.  Take care and keep on blogging your distress.  No one on the tribe has pass judgement rights.

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