First off with the good stuff:
I finally began seeing a councelor and have had 2 meetings with her. So far we've only done some basic questions and answers. She first marked me as severely depressed after the first meeting and told me she would begin getting me into a therapist asap and mentioned how I should probably be on some drugs. At the second meeting she said she would put down mood disorder instead after she asked me questions about anxiety, because I showed signs of being in the severe range of both. The therapist she was recommending doesn't have any openeings until Jan, but after the counceler called a couple times to the office while I was there I was put on a cancellation list. I'm looking forward to this weeks visit as I think we will actually get into some real meat and potatoes. I think we almost did the last time but she kept making phone calls to answer some questions I asked. Both visits she seemed a bit taken a back because I hide behind humor when I'm self concious so she said she wouldn't have thought I was depressed. She said I seemed to have a geniune smile and just seemed like I was happy. My answers kind of had her in disbelief to most questions and she seemed a little worried and urgent about getting things rolling for me. It seemed really easy to answer the questions, I almost thought I would be nervous but it felt good. The hour sessions so far felt like 15min I was disappointed both times when I sensed she was about to wrap things up. She is also going to try some hypnosis on me in a couple weeks, not sure what will happen there, but maybe it'll be like in Office Space and just 'kinda zonk me out".
I started feeling pretty good for a few days until the weekend hit and I went home to visit my parents, which was mostly to pick up a woodworking bench I found on CL. All weekend long all I heard about was I didn't need it and they just made me feel like crap because I don't get anything done. Which is in part due to my depression and no support from anyone around me for my hobby. I told them all last weekend that for that reason I will never make them anything. I really love this hobby and have put a lot of time and money into it and I never get anything but crap over how I never seem to get anything done. They just don't get what it is about and why I do it. For me it isn't about building 100's of pieces but about getting out into the shop and making sawdust, tinkering on something or making something for the shop. I am relatively new to the hobbie and I am still getting things figured out. It just hurts that everyone close to me has to be so negative about something I love, especially my wife.
I'm feeling pretty depressed again for the last few days. I can barely talk to my wife, just short answers. I can't bring myself to hug or kiss or more even. I'm just feeling numb and bad about myself, I feel worse and worse about myself when I see myself in the mirror. The wife took the kid (not because of me) down to Alabama for a get together with other moms on a forum she belongs to and I haven't felt anything since she left. Not numb because she left but just numb as in it's no big deal, heck I thought she was going to Virginia until I checked a copy of her plane ticket receipt when someone asked me at work. She was in tears when she left and I could tell some of it was because it didn't seem to bother me much. I'm sure some know what I am talking about but for the others it's not because I don't care for her but it's kinda like I just figure whatever she'll be back Monday, oh well. I feel like I'm just taking everything for granted and I need to get it fixed because it's not right. I actually just got a call from her mom that I'm suppose to call her down there and I really don't feel like it.