Where to begin…. Well, this is for my benefit. I wanted to write this down so I can look back on it and reflect and try to see through the mud. If you read this, keep in mind that this is just my story and how I have dealt with it. I don’t want pity or sympathy. I want to heal.

Growing up I had a wonderful Grandmother. She lived next door and I was ALWAYS there. She was everything to me. She was my like my mom. I was so very attached to her. In February of 1991 I was twelve at the time and decided to play sick and stay home. That was the worst day of my life and a turning point form which I would never return. Early that morning, my grandmother called my m0m asking for help. We immediately got in the car and drove up the hill to her house. My mother ran in and my father walked behind her leaving me to slowly make my way to the house. When I reached the front door, I could hear my mother screaming. I ran inside and my dad wouldn’t let me pass him. I finally made it past him and saw what would become a regular nightmare for me for years. That day, I lost my Grandmother. It has haunted me for over 25 years now.

In 2000, I was 22 and was engaged to be married and scheduled for back surgery. In May, I married and a week later, I had the surgery. I had a slow recovery but I would not let the doctors govern what I could or could not do for the rest of my life, I built my own home with my own two hands. Five years into the marriage, I found out my wife was cheating. I didn’t react. I just TRIED to forgive and move on. We had two great kids together. A few years later, I learned that she had been cheating again and lying about money which was very tight at the time. She had also been lying to what I thought were my friends at the time. I ended up loosing every friend I had because of this. This relationship ended in divorce which was finalized in 2011.  I was left feeling alone, worthless, and untrusting.

Now, in 2013, I met my current wife by accident on the internet. Yes, I know, it’s very careless, unsafe, stupid and what ever else you may want to call it. We talked and she quickly became not only my best friend but my only friend. The real kick to this is, she lived in another country. I didn’t care. We talked, texted, skyped and eventually married in 2014 in her country. On my first visit it was great. She was very sweet, kind and beautiful. I was there for about 2 weeks. When I got home, I immediately started the immigration process. In december of that year, I went back to spend Christmas with her. While visiting her, her true nature started showing a little. Towards the middle of my visit, she lost her temper and smashed a camera I had bought and then slapped me. I didn’t know what to say or do. I struggled on saying that it was just a one time thing and she’s not like that. She vowed to never do anything like that again. While there, I visited the US embassy and actually got somewhere with her visa. It was approved. I went home in January and she arrived on February 14th. I never knew what was in store for me. Since her arrival in 2015, I have been hit numerous times. Once i was hit in the ear which has affected my hearing. I have been cussed in two different languages. She moved out 3 times. She has said so many things to me about my lack of worth. She has broken almost every drinking glass in my house (and not to mention that four of those glasses had belonged to my grandmother) and broken several other things in fits of rage. It was a cycle of abuse which I didn’t know at the time. Luckily, my children had never witnessed any of this as they were usually at their mother’s when this happened. Finally, about a week ago, Monday, December 5th, she had another “fit”.  My kids were with me as was here son. I tried to calm her as I usually do and it didn’t work. I took my children and left. I went to my parents house. Later that evening, I returned with my mom to pick up some clothes. Of course, she had already cleaned her mess and was crying and begging. All I could do was tell her to start making calls and find a place to go. On Tuesday night, she left the house. I have had minimal contact with her since. Last night I delivered her stuff to her in the neighboring town. It broke my heart to pieces.

My last marriage was very explosive and toxic. I have heard so many things about me , my anxiety and how I can never be happy, will end up alone, nobody will want me…. just all kinds of things. Yet, I still love her. I will never be with her again because she only spurred my anxiety and depression. She abused me in so many ways. My heart and my house feel so empty and I have no one to lean on and talk to. even if I had a friend, I don’t think I will ever trust anyone again. While I can relax a little at home now without fear, I still cannot go “out into the world” without fear of judgement and  possible physical harm. This has left me a broken man and only a shadow of what I used to be.  In the end I know I have done the right thing for me and for my children but I’m left asking myself how many of the things she said about me were true.

I have asked myself many times why I didn’t do this sooner. The answer is, I don’t know. Maybe I believed the apologies or maybe because I thought love was real. Either way, I know now that some things just aren’t real or just aren’t worth  the suffering. Sometimes the best and right decision is the hardest.