For over 10 years i've been in a mental state of confusion. Not knowing myself, always listening to
my ex husband or my now fiance on what to do with my life, because I never knew.
I never had a passion for work, I never had a passion of really anything.
That I Just found out about myself, and i've been on a journey of 'self discovery' ever since.
My latent boring home life which has made me miserable vs a life of impulse seeking and bad behaviors.
All i've been doing the past 15 years is working as a hair dresser or selling my body for money.
Drinking drinking drinking, doing drugs the odd time, and then nursing hangovers and shitty feelings the next day. I've been in a whirlwind of discontentment for years not knowing I was
battling depression, maybe manic depression, maybe bi polar. I don't know because I am diagnosed. But now that i'm older I know something is definitely wrong.
And my only close friend is also a crazy hoe who day drinks like me, and the only time i really have a good time is when i'm drinking having phone chats with her. I get to hear all the drama in her family, who tried to kill themselves, who got busted for trafficking drugs, who stole this or that, and then she gets to her man problems and she cries because she's just as fucked up as i am. and that is our friendship. we're like our own support group, except we can't stop what we're doing because we've done it so long it's like breathing.
And anybody that is good who comes along we either don't believe they really are a good person, or we reject them because we can't turn away from our bad behaviors.
It's a vicious cycle, it's bitter sweet. I have high's and low's, I travel from one end of the continent to the other because I have a dual citizenship. if things go bad in one place i can run to the other. and ive been doing this for 10 years. i'm exhuasted. i'm confused, i have nowhere to turn. my family is broken, my fathers in his own world, my sister was diagnosed with bpd, my mother is either depressed or bi polar and she self medicates with booze (closet drinker) or prescription pills(so called back problem). except she's a nurse, not working mind you.
I have bad genes. Therefore, my mind is bad, and I do bad things.
I am a good person though, i have a big heart and i've helped alot of people in my life.
But the choices i make are full of moral turptitude and i can't stop because i don't know any other way. and when i have stopped for a while, life is dull, boring, and i get depressed.
I will find out what is wrong with me next week.