I am so anxious today. My palms are sweating, my breathing is shallow, and I feel so alone. I want to read about someone else who has the same obsession as I do. No one will freaking post anything. It was hard enough for me to post the stuff that I did about my obsessions, and people say "I know how you feel" or "I feel exactly the same way," but no one will list or describe their obsession. I want reassurance, dammit!
I am going freaking crazy. I want to off myself. I can't handle my head. I know that visiting my family made me feel this anxious. I went to visit my dad's side of the family and was having a freaking panic attack pratically the whole time. I have gained a lot of weight over the years and I have to deal with sweating like I'm going through menopause. It was so hot on Saturday and I couldn't stop sweating. I was panicked because everyone was not sweaty, and people wanted to hug me.
My anti-depressant makes me sweat buckets, but add the obesity factor and it's amazing I'm able to ever stay dry in my clothes. It's alway my freaking hair and face that drenches in sweat. It's so humiliating. I can't do anything about it, because I have tried other medications and Zoloft is the only one that keeps my ocd from controlling 100 % of my brain.
I start thinking about my wedding day and standing up in front of everyone–all my families eyes on me–and them thinking negative things about me. I want to be a wedding bombshell not this fat, sweaty, ocd freak show.
My older brother is studying to be a doctor and he was ready a book outloud to us on mental disorders. He brought up ocd. I was holding my breath the whole time. Only my mom and my sister know I have ocd. Luckily they didn't say anything, but I felt very exposed. It really upset me that my brother would bring this up as a joke. OCD is no laughing matter. In fact, it is one of the hardest mental disorders to freaking deal with.
I'm trying hard not to resent even hate all the people in the world who don't have ocd, or even the ones with ocd that don't have the severity of pure ocd like I do.
I am obsessed with penises. I freaking can't drive by horses without checking them for erections. I am always worried about having sexual thoughts about horses. I see a horse on tv and I want to run away. I really am irritated that they always freaking have huge erections. I'm trying to escape my obsession, but I can't because I live in a rural area and there are horses everywhere. I've tried not looking, but then I feel like a freakazoid because I'm trying to hide. I've tried looking and not looking for an erection. I am so frustrated because I have never talked to anyone who has this problem.
I worry that I am a superfreak. I have guilt over sexual thoughts about horses. I've even masturbated to these thoughts more than once.
Would I feel guilt if it was socially acceptable to have sex with animals? Would I really ever want to suck a horse off or have sex with a horse? I doubt it, but then why is it my freaking obsession? Why did being traumatized by horse erections at the fair grounds trigger this obsession. How do I make it go away?
I can't take it anymore. I am all alone in the world. I feel like I am living this terrible secret. I feel like I am all isolated, and no one will ever feel the way I do. Why did I have to get sexually traumatized? What is up with the world making my life so miserable? Why can't I loose any freaking weight? Why don't I have the moxi to off myself already. I will never be happy. I can never have kids. I will never be normal. I will never be relaxed. I will never be anything other than a horrible fat fuck.