I just feel like…nothing i do is good enough for some people. i mean, IIIII know i'm doing pretty well managing everything that's going on in my life, not actually having a nervous breakdown from my job hours, etc. i know i'm being a good mother, i know i'm a decent friend, i know i work hard and do things well, i know i'm responsible, i know i'm industrious, i know i know blah blah. the trouble is, do others know it??
i've been feeling this way for a long time. so many times in my head i'm going, 'i'm a special person – why can't you see that!?' i mean, we're all special, right? and i try very hard to make others around me feel special, and some are really wonderful in return, but then some are just so unappreciative, rude, disrespectful, hateful, you name it. and like…at work for instance, i'm taking care of everything, it's going totally manic, and i'm here doing the best job one could do, and then someone will complain about one tiny little thing that doesn't even matter, like you're a waste of space for not thinking of it. it's like…what about all the stuff i've actually done, though? or like earlier, a friend sent a message saying he'd given up on expecting a reply from me to his invitation to something that's not even happening for another 8 days, and i only got the invite 2 days ago. i'm like…what??? and he got such an outpouring from me about how i really don't need this right now! he apologised, so it's okay, but i was just like…ugh!!! you know? like, you really want to know everything i'm trying to manage right now? because maybe then you'll understand why i can't reply to you in two days. especially to an invitation, when i need to sort out what to do about percy because both george and i were invited, so who will watch our son? and then do i even feel like going, blah blah, it takes me a long time to make decisions because i worry i'm going to make the wrong one and then not be able to take it back, and then be stuck doing something i don't feel like doing.
i don't know. i'm just feeling like shouting to people: what more do you want from me!? seriously, am i really doing things that badly??? like on the weekend george dared to tell me i need to remember to keep the water filter topped up a certain level, and i just blew up. i'm like…don't tell me i've done something wrong! i can't take it! because in the meantime, i was actually busy doing all the laundry for percy, and tidying up the house, vacuuming, etc. and furthermore this morning was the third time i've come into a room to discover the lights have been left on all night/day, wasting electricity and running up our bill, or food has been left out and not put away, i think his memory must just be like a sieve, it is unbelievable, and i was telling him this morning, you know you're actually giving me REASONS to have to check everything, it's just increasing the anxiety here for me because it's not an irrational need to check anymore, it's valid! and then he was asking if since joining this site it's actually making me look for obsessions more, and i was like NO! i've just suddenly realised i really need to share it all with you more – surprise, george! all these years you've thought you knew me, and actually inwardly i'm a total basket case sometimes! i don't know. i think i'm worrying him. then i worry that i'm boring him by talking about it. does that make any sense?? i worry that it's going to sound like i'm obsessing about having ocd, when actually i'm just letting him know just how often it really does affect me, cause normally i just keep it to myself, i don't think people want to know. and i don't want to become 'someone who has ocd' i want to still just be 'vrinda who btw yes she has ocd' you know? but then at the same time i'm like…i need someone to know everything that's going on, so i don't feel trapped within myself.
you know my best friend, i've known her for over 18 years, we never had much in common on the surface and a lot of people over the years were like, why WHY are you two friends?? and we didn't really know, we just liked each other more than we liked other people we knew and for some reason really deeply connected as people, beyond the surface stuff. anyway, now that we're adults, we've realised both of us have ocd. the way we react to people and events, the way we relate to things, the way we communicate, our emotions, etc. they're all exactly the same, we're such similar people. i really wish we didn't live an ocean apart now. i miss her so much. wow, i feel really sad now all of a sudden. and a tape arrived, for me to type up. so i'll end it here.