My OCD is scrupulosity. Several years ago, I began to have these random thoughts pop into my head unannounced that said "I hate ________."

The part I underlined was the name of my mom's cousin who I adored as a little kid. This made me feel terrible as I loved her very much and we lost her too soon to leukemia. I felt awful. Then the thoughts turned to my mom. I DO love my mom but our relationship is more difficult because of some choices she made when I was little (LONG story). I felt bad about thinking these things about my mom too. A few years ago, I began on a spiritual journey to grow in my relationship with God/Jesus and to know Him better. I was involved with my church and I was an acolyte (altar server). Things were going well….until the thoughts began to set their sites on Him. I felt like I was going mad, I was so ashamed and felt so much guilt. I love God and I wanted to grow closer to Him and not be pushed farther apart. Things got really bad, I was so upset. I couldn't even speak about what I was going through with my partner. I couldn't even bring the words into the light of day or the dark of night.

I believe in Universal Salvation. That we are all destined to return to God.

I am always afraid of Him forsaking me. Giving up or turning His back on me. It's a very upsetting prospect. I am a Christian but I don't believe in Hell. I feel God is too good for that. My Hell would be an eternity away from Him.

Since I was a little kid, I've always had the feeling of waking from a dream where you are in our reality but you remember the dream clearly, only it's not a dream. I feel that I KNOW God is there. It's like a hazy impression through fog that becomes clearer and cloudier at times. Since I was little, I've felt an expectation at Christmas. Not presents or Santa Claus but something MUCH bigger and MUCH more important. Something is there and it's *just* out of reach. If God exists everywhere and Heaven is amongst us, maybe it's that what I am feeling.

I always follow up these horrific thoughts with prayers of asking for forgiveness and understanding. I feel shame and guilt and remorse about these things in my head (I can understand how some people may thinkmay have thought that they had demons in their heads) about my Creator.

Do you think that GodJesus, like any loving parent would, holds their child close when they are in pain ? I think He must. I hope He does. I NEVER wanted this. I wanted to be CLOSER to my God.

My best wishes to you all

1 Comment
  1. SammysUncle2012 9 years ago

    Thanks Matthew,I truly appreciate your words of encouragement.I wish you the best in living with your OCD.Jeff

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