Today started like any other day. Get up go through a routine without really thinking or feeling. Then when your mind wakes up it hits you, the bottom that dropped out of youre world a few days ago and deposited you in this hole has started to close the hole in but wait you are still in it. Do you fight to crawl out or take comfort in where you are. Yesterday it did not seem as lonely here, nor quite as dark. This is a turning point where it all ends or begins, it is the same year after year. I say its the same, what I remember is the same, but the feelings are different perhaps because as you age you some what know the outcome or you just lack the energy to care. Today as I alternate between laughing and crying my mind is flooded with thoughts, some whole and some bits and pieces. Randomly I remember something someone has said and compare or contast to my world. Once someone said they sold there dining room table and six chairs, at the time I thought not much about it, now out of the blue it comes back to me and I laugh through my tears, I never had a dining room table nor a dining room for that matter, all the rooms were used for bedroom, kids, animals. Now this was my choice but its funny yet sad how a comment about a table can throw me. Today I saw someone that I hadnt seen in a few weeks, it was sad because of changes I will never see that women and her daughters in the same way. I left her standing there thinking to myself there must be more, everyone and everything is changing and people are fine with it but me. I stopped reading, which I loved to do, partly because whatever I read reminded me of what I didnt have instead of making me thankful for what I do have. Everybook I would find the bad instead of the good, it was too sad. I know in time I will go back to reading I have been here before. The same holds true for my writing, without it I would go insane it helps to sort my thoughts out. I hate to watch tv commercials right now, again I see the saddness in them, like the young dog growing old. The babies growing up. Life changing, everyone with smiles, but then you can ask youre self are they pasted smiles real or fake. You decide for yourself. I am reminded of someone else who recently went on vacation, they had a great time as they gave a play by play . As i listened I was happy for them, yet jealous. When was the last time I sounded that excited talking to someone, were they jealous of me. Or did they just listen and go about there business never giving it a second thoughts. Do people really give that much thought to what others say or do I just over analyze things. Most days I just go about my day doing what needs to be done without much thought about what I am doing, but days like this my mind has trouble forming a complete sentence. I feel like I need to run to catch up to my thoughts. Then I wonder why I want to catch them, most the time I spend running from them. There are so many things I want to do, yet I dont, places I want to see, yet I dont. I have trouble allowing myself to be happy because if your happy the fall hurts more, then if your down already. Do people have the answers or are they all looking, are they happy or prending until they find true happiness. Then what marks happiness for one doesnt for the other. The same holds true for sadness some people can take a whole lot before sadness sets in and then they bounce right back. Others it is an uphill climb that you some time wonder is it worth the climb. Speaking of the climb, life is a climb you start out as a baby then progress on through youth, teen, adult, then its over, was it worth the climb or should it not of started. Then when I think like this I feel bad. People are dying all around us, fighting for life. I guess the old saying is true we always want what we cant have. People are happy yet not, they cry and scream over spilled milk, literally, but things that should upset them dont. Is there an end or do we go round and round, are there answers or do we just search in vain. How can some people go through life and are not botherd by things they just ride the waves and are content. How do they do it, how do you find it, does it exist. Some people pretend to listen, yet they dont hear, they are to wrapped up in there own head, should they be faulted, some say yes they should think of others, but then the otherside is dont we all have the right to be selfish and take care of us. In this life there is right and wrong who decides what that is, who has the right to say another person has crossed the line. As anyone can tell by this writing there is a lot of nothing going on I say nothing because even though I am getting thoughts out where are the answers. Are they close at hand, or far away. or perhaps they dont exist. Someone called looking for someone who use to live here, wrong number I say again for the tenth time this week, then i start wondering where is that person, what happend to make them run from there life with no trail, but a wrong number. Was it lack of money, a love gone wrong, a feeling, depressed, void something that kept pushing them , but to where. Maybe they found the answers. Answers that we all search for, maybe some answers are in are memories. Are memories real or not , perhaps it is just are mind playing tricks, maybe things arent as we remember but how we choose to remember. Then we have food we all need it to surive, we can take comfort in some of are foods they evoke strong memories take for example tuna and egg salad when i eat that it reminds me of when I was a teen ager, the world was laid out in front of me. My biggest fear then was trying not to piss my parents off. I had mood swings, but with age they have become worse. I think back further and when I eat potatoe chips and drink orange soda it takes me back to when I was a little girl and we were at the beach for the summer with my family. Back then my biggest concern was what ride to go on at the amusement park and whether or not it would rain. You see my favorite part of the summer back then was getting up early and going out to the beach to dig in the sand and soak up the sun. Even then at that young age I knew the importance of sun light, you could feel how it would energize you. Today I still seek out the sun and I have been known to still dig in the sand if given the chance. My mind is more settled then it was earlier. It still has a ways to go. Fear comes to mind, fear stops me in my tracks I am not even sure why, fear of failure, fear of loss, fear of the unknown but fear can be good because fear keeps me from going over to the dark side. If someone asked me to describe myself I would say I was moody, my moods most the time control me I dont control them, but maybe it is like that for everyone maybe I am the norm, now thats a scary thought, now whos got the problem.

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