A new day has arrived. Why can't I be excited for it? Why can't I see the possibilities in it? Why can't I feel anything but sad and fearful?

I want to be happy ~ that's all. I want to feel the sunshine today and feel good in it's rays and warmth. I want to look at the trees and see living creatures instead of dead wood falling, decaying slowly. I'm decaying slowly too. That thought brings sorrow and relief both. I'm surrounded by life but all I feel is empty. Maybe this is the crash and burn from the hypomanic episode or the prednisone ~ both one and the same. I don't know, but it's definitely not good.

I'm listening to a lot of self-flagellating music today already. It's a good thing I'm going to see my therapist this evening. I'm filled with self-loathing about everything; my weight, my past, my current situation. I just want to go back to bed and stay there most of the day. At least then I'll feel safe to cry it out or yell about it. Probably yell then cry.

I feel like I'm stuck in a box and can't get enough air. I can't move much and the air is so precious but so hard to get. I feel like giving up and letting go, just staying in my box and what will come will come. I don't have the stamina to fight my way out right now. Maybe if I rest just for awhile…maybe then I can fight back.

It's so hard to function today. I could barely get dressed and get my son ready for school. I also fell down the stairs yesterday and while I'm okay, I'm lame in my right leg from it.

My Mom's home today, which is probably going to be a bad thing for me since I'm in the state of mind that I'm in. She'll sense it and it will make the day that much harder to face, knowing that I've failed her again.

~

Misguided Ghosts ~ Paramore

"I am going away for awhile

I'll be back, don't try and follow me

Cause I'll return as soon as possible

See I'm trying to find my place

But it might not be here where I feel safe

We all learn to make mistakes

And run

From them, from them

With no direction

We'll run from them, from them

With no conviction.

Cause I'm just one of those ghosts

Traveling endlessly

Don't need no roads

In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles.

Well now I'm told that this is life

And pain is just a simple compromise

So we can get what we want out of it

Would someone care to classify

Of broken hearts and twisted minds

So I can find someone to rely on?

And run

To them, to them

Full speed ahead

Oh you are not useless

We are just

Misguided ghosts

Traveling endlessly

The ones we trusted the most

Pushed us far away

And there's no one road

We should not be the same

But I'm just a ghost

But still they echo me.

They echo me in circles."

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 8 years ago

    Dear Keya,

    I'm sorry today is as it is for you.It's a hard road to hoe. Throughest part of it that we have the traverse the dark places alone. No one can go there with us. Our friends and loved ones sit helplessly on the sidelines while this is happening, hoping and praying for the best outcome; but can do nothing. There is but one player in this scenario and it is the one wrestling with the shadows of his/her mind.

    You have my moral support; but I am also sitting on the sidelines, praying for your best outcome. Remember Bryancats words. They comfory you and give you courage. Hugs Mary XX

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