A new day has arrived. Why can't I be excited for it? Why can't I see the possibilities in it? Why can't I feel anything but sad and fearful?
I want to be happy ~ that's all. I want to feel the sunshine today and feel good in it's rays and warmth. I want to look at the trees and see living creatures instead of dead wood falling, decaying slowly. I'm decaying slowly too. That thought brings sorrow and relief both. I'm surrounded by life but all I feel is empty. Maybe this is the crash and burn from the hypomanic episode or the prednisone ~ both one and the same. I don't know, but it's definitely not good.
I'm listening to a lot of self-flagellating music today already. It's a good thing I'm going to see my therapist this evening. I'm filled with self-loathing about everything; my weight, my past, my current situation. I just want to go back to bed and stay there most of the day. At least then I'll feel safe to cry it out or yell about it. Probably yell then cry.
I feel like I'm stuck in a box and can't get enough air. I can't move much and the air is so precious but so hard to get. I feel like giving up and letting go, just staying in my box and what will come will come. I don't have the stamina to fight my way out right now. Maybe if I rest just for awhile…maybe then I can fight back.
It's so hard to function today. I could barely get dressed and get my son ready for school. I also fell down the stairs yesterday and while I'm okay, I'm lame in my right leg from it.
My Mom's home today, which is probably going to be a bad thing for me since I'm in the state of mind that I'm in. She'll sense it and it will make the day that much harder to face, knowing that I've failed her again.
Misguided Ghosts ~ Paramore
"I am going away for awhile
I'll be back, don't try and follow me
Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction.
Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles.
Well now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify
Of broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on?
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not useless
We are just
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
But still they echo me.
They echo me in circles."