Thanks for your concern regarding the last blog post. I'm okay.
It really sucks when you consider someone a friend, only to find out that they've never felt the same about you.
Long story short, my roommate and I got along great. I considered us friends. We did things together. We sat and had dinner together every night. Things were great. Then one day she just cut me off completely. She wouldn't even look at me. It's been going on for about a month and it drove me nuts. What did I do? Say? Huh??? Aren't you supposed to be my friend? Why are you treating me like this?
I finally asked her about it tonight. My roommate wasn't talking to me because she thought that I didn't want her to succeed, or do well, among other things. She blamed everything that's gone wrong recently on me, because I brought negative energy to her life. Fine, that's how she feels, and I can't change that. Whatever.
Her exact words were, "You're acting like we were these great friends. We weren't."
I bent over backwards for her. Every time she asked me to do something for her, I went out of my way to make sure it was done. I don't do that for most people. But I don't have her best interests at heart, right?
She said I'm never happy, and she feels that I don't want -anyone- to succeed, including myself. The latter is not true. I want everyone to succeed at whatever it is they're trying to do. That's why we're in college, right? To propel ourselves forward. Why would I try to stop your shine? If anything, I downplay my successes and glorify everyone else's.
This is not the first time that I've been in a situation where I thought someone was my friend, but they didn't see it the same way. It's actually kind of the story of my life.
Maybe I'm just destined to be this lonely old spinster that everyone thinks is a bitter bitch, but they couldn't be more wrong. I gave up being bitter a long time ago. I just want to be a good friend, but it seems like no one will ever allow me the opportunity. And I don't beg for companionship, so I guess it'll just be me, myself and I. Forever.
I don't like to harp about being "so misunderstood", but I truly feel that I am. No one ever tries to get to know me, and it's not for lack of trying on my part. I reach out to people. But there are only so many times that I'm going to reach out and fall flat on my face before I get sick and tired of it, and I got sick and tired of it a long time ago.
Maybe that's why I'm kind of done with life in general. I've been lonely my entire life, family excluded. Most of my "friendships" ended in high school when I stopped seeing those folks five times a week. I'm tired of trying to make people understand when they really can't be bothered to listen in the first place.
I didn't want to get emotional about this roommate thing, but if I didn't get emotional then I guess it'd mean I wouldn't care. Maybe I care too much. Maybe I need to stop caring.
Doubling up on the trazodone and going to sleep so I don't lay here and bawl my eyes out.