Hey friends ~ good afternoon! I blogged yesterday but then the network refused to work and it was lost among the network and was eaten by it. I was SO MAD about it! Unfortunately I don't have Windows for doing papers and such so I can't do it the smart way and do it there first.

Yesterday morning I went for a bike ride. I like the bike but I have to have some minor things adjusted. After that I'll be doing good. I didn't go for one today because I'm not feeling my best physically (we all caught my Mom's cold ~ blech) and didn't sleep well last night for some reason. So this morning I fell asleep on the couch while the guys watched tv. I feel better now somewhat.

I wish I could trade living spaces with someone ~ it's 85 degrees in the shade today (and yesterday too). I had to go buy some shorts so I could deal with the heat. Any takers?

Yesterday was really a decent day until my Mom got home… She came home in a horrible mood after work and was cold and demeaning to me when I asked how her day went or if she'd like to talk about it. She then announced that she was going to nap and stood up and stalked off to her bedroom… I had hoped that a nap would have helped her mood but apparently not.

Aaron and I had to go grocery shopping shortly after he got home from work. Zachary stayed with Grandma, and we went and tried to make it as fast as we could. When we got back her mood was even worse. I went to go out on the porch and got yelled at for not opening the screen door right (she had just replaced the screen in it) and then she informed me in the same voice that my son's "moon sand" (kind of like playdough) was never to be used on the porch again. She screamed at me that she had to vacuum the whole porch to clean it up. The thing was ~ she was the one to give him permission to play with it there! I only let him play with it on a table because it's so messy and then I have to sweep down any that fell on the floor because it doesn't hold together well.

When the litany continued I looked her straight in the eye and said "Should I move to another porch?" and after a minute she looked down and said "no". We didn't say anything else to each other for a few hours. And it was my idiot decision to give her an option to talk about it before I went to bed that finally finished me. I sat down in the den and asked if she wanted to talk about her day. She went back to the icy, stand-offish way she had dealt with me earlier. Her response was something along the lines of a sneer ~ " What the hell good does talking about it do anyhow? Huh?". I should've walked away then, but I told her that sometimes it does help. She whipped around in her chair and yelled at me; "What?! Do you want to see me cry? Is that what you want?! I'm so f-ing sick of all of it, and I'm this close to the breaking point and YOU want me to talk about it? Why ~ do you have the answers? I didn't think so. "

I just sat there stunned, but I managed to keep my cool. I know that she hates her job, that she's worried about keeping the house (not going there right now, it would take too long), that my Uncle just died and she's grieving, that she's still grieving over my step-dad's passing 5 years ago, and that she's mad at me (my guess is that I haven't lived up to her expectations, but there's no telling).But that's no reason to treat me like sh*t. I didn't do anything wrong except get sick with bipolar disorder. Oops ~sorry Mom! I went out and got sick with this on purpose.

I found my voice somewhere in all of it and said to her, "It really bothers me that when you come home the only thing I get from you is a flat "hi". I ask you how your day was and get the same thing~ a one word answer. But as soon as you see my son you light up and become a person again. It really makes me feel like chopped liver." I also wanted to say that a friend of mine once told his girlfriend that he may love her, but he didn't like who she'd become, and that's what I felt like.

Anyhow, I got a half-assed apology after she just stabbed me again and again with her words, so I got up and said goodnight and walked away.

The rest of the evening I was in an awful mood too.

Just now my husband tells me he's going to the Daytona 500 tomorrow.I knew he might be, a boss of his had tickets and possibly couldn't go, but I'm really angered by it. Why? And now I hear the same tone as my mother's coming out of my mouth towards my husband. Touche'.  Guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree…

Maybe it's time to go on another bike ride or take Zachary to the park.