It can be pretty discouraging when people try to tell you how you should or should not feel. When you're anxious, telling you why you shouldn't worry about that. When you're angry, telling you why you shouldn't let that bother you. When you're sad, telling you what you have to be thankful for or telling you to just do things you enjoy. I know I'm the cause of my own problems. If I could just willingly not feel the way I feel about things, wouldn't I try that? I'm thinking that people just can't help me. They only state the obvious. Things go so much deeper than that.
At least I think I've come to the core reason I'm so afraid to get my life going. It's because I can't handle any negativity from people. I'm way too easily hurt and upset, and I'm literally afraid of what I might do if some jerk makes me angry. I surprise myself sometimes when I get upset enough. The thoughts I think sometimes and their intensity can be disturbing. I don't want to be told that everyone deals with rude people or that it's just a part of life. I know that. That'swhyI'm so afraid. Because I can't handle it. At least now Iknow what I ought to be working on. The problem is I don't know how. I don't feel ready to put myself in such a situation dealing with people where I might explode at them or hold things in to the point of being violent or self destructive. It's too bad no one else seems to understand this, only myself. I don't feel that this therapy is going to help me much. I have to come up with the answers myself.
But at least I'm able to recognize the good moments. I actually struck up a short conversation with a stranger today. I felt so proud. And I held my tongue during therapy when I was angry. So maybe instead of seeing it as a bad thing, I should recognize it as an accomplishment. Maybe that's the first step to dealing with negative feelings. I've been avoiding things that make me comfortable, and I do agree I need to face them, but slowly. I'm not ready to get a job at some fast food place. I need to work on how to deal with the negativity beforehand so I'm prepared. Too bad I have to think of this all myself and all the medication and therapy and counseling I've had hardly makes a difference.
But oh well. I know myself better than anyone else.
I know my emotions must seem irrational to other people, and I shouldn't expect them to understand. They aren't me. Only I am me. And I guess I'm a weirdo. At least I feel better now.
And I may be starting to figure out why I don't completely want to get better. These crazy emotions I have shape my life in pretty much every way. They make me who I am, and even though they ruin a lot of things and basically stink to have, I'm okay with that, because that's the way I am and I don't want to change who I am. It's still strange though. Why do I sometimes feel like I'd rather be sad than happy? Maybe it gives me a sense of identity. I don't know who I'd be if it weren't for these things. Wow. Now I have something to think about…