Today was my first day back to work since my last fall in January.  I did the secretary role in the office today, we didn't have any patients so I just filed things, called in orders for procedures and answered the phone.  My daughter had to come with me had no sitter but she's 11 so mommy showed her the ropes, she wasn't impressed. 

I did ok, I'm beyond exhausted and was very anxious all morning.  I took a lot of messages and did a lot of charting.  My hand writing is barely legible…   My boss delivered me the bad news… I can no longer work as a nurse due to the neuropathy in my hands.  She's going to try and let me work 4 to 5 hours a week as a secretary though but isn't sure yet.  It really, really hurts me deep inside to know that everything that I worked so hard for and had so much pride in myself for is being taken away from me.  I am a damn good nurse and loved my job at the nursing home.  After fall #1 due to neuropathy I had to leave that place and it broke my heart but still being an office nurse gave me satisfaction.  Now that to is being taken away by this mysterious neurological disorder that NOONE can figure out.  I understand these things are complicated and take time but FFS it's been almost 6 years. 

I'm angry, I'm sad and feel so lost.. The only thing we have been able to determine is that it's not in my head.. I freakin' knew that already… I'm even seeing some of the nations top neurologists but because I'm on their assistance program (I have no insurance) I can't be seen again until August and by then I may have lost all function of my hands.. In 5 months I've gone from 80% feeling down to maybe 20%.  I cut my finger the other day, deep cut and never felt it.. just saw blood…  I just want my life back.. Why is that too much to ask for?   All I want to do is to take care of other people, lift them up emotionally and give them comfort.  I swear to God I have the best bed side manner in OH… I just want to crawl up in a ball and die… I am sick of living this shit hole of a life.. Why is life so unfair, I've been through so much already and over came so many obstacles and now.. this… Thursday is probably my last shift due to my hand writing and I just don't know if I can handle going…  I'm losing my faith and my hope and eventually I will lose myself.. why me…