I’m at my limit and I can’t  keep going. I can’t  find any reason to keep going no person or thing that can make me feel life is worth living. It hurts to see. It hurts to think. I can’t  even find peace. I just can’t  handle it. All I can see all I can find are ways to hurt myself reasons to feel inadequate reasons to end this. I’m 28. I lost my parents when I was a child. My love of people has made my grandparents destitute  and made me horribly in debt. My ex has left to she claims be able to spend more time with her daughter even though she says I love you to the guys she lives with up there. The last 2 coworkers where I work are perfectionists and my add/ADHD has me making mistakes all the time. Grams says just don’t  make mistakes but those 2 look for mistakes. If I go in and lose myself I could ruin the place most important  to me. While granted I would injure myself and probably feel better I don’t  want to do that. It hurts to be me. It hurts to live. It hurts to be judged unfairly. And it hurts that the only thing people around me consider is their feelings. My eyes and head hurt. I can’t  cope with the desire to end it all. I probably won’t  go through with it. However I see no reason not to. The other 2 can run the place their way failure or success I did what I could. If I died my grandma and grandpa’s debt would go down. And in the end those I matter to I only matter to for their own reasons. In the end…my death may be the best thing for me and those around me.

2 Comments
  1. derecklewis8420 3 years ago

    Hey there my beloved,

    I read your story and I’m commenting to say this, I know where you’re coming from, trust me. A little about myself, I was hit by a car my sophomore year of high school, was in the hospital for four months, was delayed educationally by 2 years, restarted high school and graduated 2 years from when I originally started and graduated, I’m gay and been struggling to accept that God made me to go through homosexuality so I could one day help others. While I restarted high school I would isolate myself from my peers, only talked to adults; went through counseling, physical, occupational and speech therapy. I’m writing all of this to say that God knows and has a better purpose for you in your life, so please don’t give up on yourself, I know it may seem hard to go on but just keep going. Are you a member of a church? If not, I recommend you to check out some churches to help you with your pain. 🙂

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      ailigdrac 3 years ago

      It’s not bad to be gay as a pan I can tell you you need to accept yourself as you are sexual orientation regardless. I do have a church and I speak with God often. I know I will come to a new point. It’s just been a challenge transitioning to a new love a new point in love. Finding someone when you aren’t exactly how you see your mental self…you find it hard to be seen as attractive. And it breeds sorrow. However I’m improving from where I was.

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