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This morning my boyfriend left again. He was here for 2 days on a business trip. I'm not sure why I'm writing this; but I feel like I should further explore this feeling and what better way then to take the time to organize my thoughts into coherent sentences.

So let start with an overview of my relationship with Robert. We met in first year university and became inseparable best friends. Both of us were going through emotional turmoil before the Christmas break and the day before he went home we got plastered (drunk) and I confessed; at which a time he returned my confession and we agreed that we were screwed. After about a month of keeping ourselves apart so as to not hurt other people involved in our lives, we threw caution to the wind and made it official. We've been together ever since; for over 3.5 years now we've been together. On our six month anniversary, I received a promise ring from him. Even then we were sure that we wanted to be together for ever; but also have options open for life changes. After a little more than a year we moved into together for the summer months. I must admit that was a very rough time for the both of us and we came far to close to giving up for comfort. In the end we pulled through are our relationship is stronger for it. The next summer (after 3rd year university) we lived together again; and things went much better.

Now we get to be a little more recent. Once I started my fourth year at university I got to be very stress with applying for graduate school, research grants, conducting research etc. Because of this I spent a lot of my time miserable and crying; convinced that I was, and I quote, "Going crazy". After spring break I took two weeks to switch medications in steps of 4 days. This was of course a crazy plan; but I convinced my doctor that it was necessary because I was on the verge of cutting myself again. After that everyone was good for quite some time. I was offered a research position in a lab for the summer and was advised to stay; I was also accepted into graduate school in Newfoundland. Awesome for my studies because it's exactly where I wanted to go; however bad for relationship because it can't be reached by car and is so far out of the way that plane tickets are pricey. Not long after I had started my research for the summer, Robert was offered a co-op job in Ottawa. I of course told him to take it because it because it would be beneficial to his degree and his resume. Unfortunately my heart couldn't get around the initial thought that "He was leaving me behind".

This is were things start getting a little strange for me and I have trouble understanding why. After he left I was fine for about a week; and then suddenly I couldn't stop crying. I was lonely, I had no friends, I didn't want to eat. All I did was research and sleep. I lost 15-20 lbs (guessing from cloths sizes, I'm lazy about scales) and joined this site for support. Also I increase my medication dose to be higher than I have ever been on a medication before. Throughout this time of …. unhappiness… I latched on to the idea that even if I went to newfoundland for school, I would be able to live with the distance if we were engaged. No I personally see engagement as a step forward in a relationship and a commitment to tell the world that you belong solely to each other. Pretty much marriage but without all the expensive weddings stuffs. Unfortunately this is not how Robert sees things. To my understanding he perceives engagement and marriage as a financial investment to merge the income of two people together. Now I could be wrong and maybe he's not quite that objective; but this is all that i could understand from our conversations and arguments.

Not long after this massive argument, we agreed to set the topic aside until we could discuss it in person and not over the phone. My planer ticket is booked for Monday the 26th when I will go visit him for 2 weeks. He was down here for a business trip so we thought it unwise to interrupt his functioning on account of relationship troubles when he is still in the process of forming his status at work. So when I get there to see him I'm not sure what is going to happen, but we both agree we want to stay together.

Now my current thoughts which prompted this blog. When Robert was about to leave I was overcome with an irrational desire to keep him here. I wanted to yell, scream and break things. I wanted to grab the proverbial bars of reality and shake them until I broke free. I didn't want him to leave. Very simple I know. However in the past (far past) I was involved in a very unhealthy relationship which bordered on me being obsessive and the guy abusing me emotionally. Because of this I promised myself that I would never again fight so heard and lower myself to begging for someone to stay with me. I promised to never get so involved that I would lose my pride as an individual an succumb to the anxiety which cases me to cling to tightly to relationships.

I don't really know what to do now. I want to stay with Robert for the rest of my life and we're happy together. He supports my depression and gets me through my anxiety problems and I help him through stressful times and compliment his very opinionated self with my lack of rational opinions. We fit together and are happy. But distance is so very hard and I just spend so much time crying and lonely. I miss getting hugs and kisses. I find myself wanting to beg him to come with me to NFLD.

I feel this would be a good point to mention something which I forgot to mention earlier. As there are many things complicated about me, as I'm sure there are about all of you, my one passion which has stuck with my through everything has been my drive to do my research and do it well. For this reason alone I will never give up my research; not for anything. It seems to be the one thing that I will always have to keep me going. For those of you poetics out there, its something like the ray of light which can sill reach me at the bottom of me well of depression.

So I can't stay here which would have been much easier. Now back to where I was. Oh yes, wanting to break the world so I can get my way. Yes I admit I am still quite childish in feeling this; however even knowing that doesn't make it go away. I don't know what to do. Should I chance losing myself to misery again in the possibility that we can survive being apart for 2 more years? Or should I cut it where we stand and try to keep my head above water.

I'm not sure I would even really accept advice on this; I don't want to lose Robert or my sense of self. I've weighed pro's and con's of all situations, I've thoughts of all possible outcomes. And there's just nothing that can sway me one way or the other. And unfortunately if I do not make a decision, Robert will not either and we will be "together" but far apart even if only in our determination to not decide between our options.

Summary or all of this. Life sucks and two academics being in love is retardedly difficult to pull off in the real world. I'm glad I got to see him; but at the same time I realized some painful feelings which I admit have shaken me quite deeply.

Thanks for reading. I feel a little better for having tried to form my situation into a coherent form.

Lots of love: Rachel


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