I'm not looking for any help… I just want to get things off my chest and hopefully someone in this world will just listen and not hound me with a million questions.By the way, this is very hard for me to do, so please dont comment with sympathy.
I've been depressed for almost 7 years now and nobody knew until last July. Nobody knew the things that had happened to me and why they had happened. The reason they were brought forward was because I would just get so angry during school from bulling. I would be called a whore, skank, hooker, they go on and on. Finally I couldn't take it, I had abused a classmate. After that I was forced to take a test. It was to see if I was crazy or just emotionally disturbed. Well come to find out one of the questions was have you ever been sexually harsed or raped…. that's when everybody started asking questions. At this point it had been 4 years since the lasttime I was raped. When I told the people that they had to ask me how long it had gone on… this really disturbed them…. I answered honestly. The raping had gone on for 2 years straight.
I never wanted to tell my mom or anybody because of the fact I let it happen so that my mom husband ( not my real dad) wouldn't hurt my family anymore than he did. When your 10 what else are you suppose to do when you are beaten and nobody was there to see it or even listen. I had tried to tell the police what was going on but my moms husband wouldn't use the excuse that we were always working cattle and that nothing was going on. He even made my mom say it too.
Life for those 2 years were hard. Being a kid and trying to figure out who I was and having this man tell me whatI had to do or my family would be hurt. It sucks. Looking back on it, it scares me because I can't remember any of the times it would happen but I knew he had drugged me. I would know because I would hurt so bad when I wake up, and I had no idea where I would be. I was terrified.
After my mom had divorsed that man I still wouldn't tell anybody I was afraid that the people that knew so well would hate me for what had happen to me and I still am afraid. I'm afraid to have a boyfriend just because I don't want to have to explain to him what had happened.
What makes things worse is bullying, I have never showed that it hurts and I never plan on it but when I'm alone I just cry because I hate myself because I don't know how to handle.
The only thing that has kept me happy is sports, I play as many sports as possible just to keep my mind on other things. I play basketball, baseball, softball, I run track and throw discuss.
But I guess thats all I have left to say. I'm sorry that I just cut off the story but I just don't want to think about it anymore.