I go through this same routine every night . . . well morning. I wake up somewhere between midnight and 3 am with racing thoughts and find it nearly impossible to fall back to sleep until roughly 5:30 am. The alarm goes off at 6:40 at which point I snooze until the last possible second. I wake up so tired and end up being late to work quite frequently as a result. I just want a peaceful night sleep. So . . . here I am 3:55 am with my racing mind.

I had a meeting with the president of our company yesterday afternoon regarding my potential promotion. This was a cause of great stress over the last week and prompted my calling a doctor to meet. Our original conversation pointed to me being promoted into a manager role within our department, but our second conversation made it seem as if that role had disappeared all together and I was just stuck holding all of the extra work as a result of the departure of two managers. I've picked up so much additional work and wanted to be recognized and instead ended up feeling betrayed. How could this be promised and taken away so quickly?

Although I think my feelings were genuinely hurt by the situation I reacted so strongly and with so many tears that it had to be something else. What I came up with was that feeling of betrayal. When I miscarried I felt betrayed by my body. How could it do this? How could it force me to lose my child? But, what do you do with that emotion? How do you resolve that? And I don't think I did resolve that, so when I felt betrayed again there was now a person on the other end of this feeling. Something tangible to direct my anger, frustration, and sadness towards.

Anyways, our meeting yesterday afternoon became more proactive – making a list of how my responsibilities have changed since the leaving of my direct supervisor and our department head. Doing that will allow them to evaluate my salary and move me forwards toward a promotion. So, it's still there. I just have to be patient. I always say patience is not a virtue I have. Uncertainty and patience wreak havoc on me on a daily basis. I'm so impulsive because I'd just rather have a decision than not know. Even if the answer is "no" it's easier for me to swallow than the uncertainty of not knowing.

The last time I saw a therapist, who was awful by the way, I tried to write down 3 things every day that I was proud of myself for doing. Honestly, sometimes it was as simple as "I used my teeth whitening strips this morning", but I really tried to force myself onto a schedule. I was more disciplined then. I have to get back to some semblance of that. I went to bed at 10, which I said I was gonna try and start doing, have a more rigorous schedule of getting up and being on time. It's funny, at work I will meet every single deadline, it drives me crazy if I don't, but it seems impossible for me to get to work on time. If there's an 8:30 deadline I'll be there at 7, but any other time I roll in at 8:15 or 8:30. In my line of work that is generally frowned upon.

I'm rambling so maybe all my thoughts are down now and I can sleep . . . we'll see.