so, the last post i made i got a new job. basically since then i quit that job and got a new one. the reason being i was the youngest there, they told me i'd be getting different pay, and i worked the most hours as they kept making me cover. i'd have no break and it would be very, very stressful. i couldn't afford to get there on the wage they were paying me, so i quit because it made me feel so much worse rather than better.i did feel a bit better at first, but then it was literally taking over my whole life and i was either sleeping all the time or i was so over-tired that i couldn't sleep. my body ached…

yeah so anyway, thats that. i did feel quite down the week that i was out of work, but it was almost instantly that i got another job. i didn't even look, someone came to me and asked me to waitress at a wedding, and then the owner of the catering company came up to me and asked me to work for her at her farm! i was really excited and its a really good, fun, job. i only work weekends but its a lot of fun. i clean the kitchen there, because she said when i'm there long enough she'll start teaching me how to cook some of the different things, when we have time. i also get to help out on their stall which sells pies and pasties and cakes and burgers (made from their own cattle).

so i've been working there for a couple of weeks, but for some reason, i seem to have backslid down the slippery road of anxiety again. i don't know why. i mean i was doing so well. i managed to get a job, i was even travelling to the city on a train on my own again which i haven't done for so long. but all my anxiety has come back, or maybe become worse again. i think it was after i saw my psychiatrist that it became a lot worse because it made me realise that when i was dealing with situations i was still finding the escape and i was still running away from situations rather than facing them. for example, when i was on the train, i would sit down by the door nearest the exit, make sure the little area was free, and if i started to get uncomfortable i'd go out and sit by the toilets where it was empty. Then when i was in the city i would go to the most quiet part and avoid being in the actual city centre where everyone was shopping and eating and having a good time.

I think after realising that i'm only partially dealing with my issues made me get quite down and i've started to analyse the hurdles as much more complex than i thought they were. its not as easy as finding the best and most comfortable place to be in a situation. its about finding the hardest plavce to be in that situation, because thats where you will make the bet progress.

my only trouble is i can't do it alone but it feels like i am.


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