Ever wonder what the purpose is of having depression come and go; ebb and flow?  On a macro level, I'd say my depression varies throughout the month depending on certain female biological factors among other things, and on a more micro level it varies day to day, then hour to hour, and even moment to moment.  I can more-or-less deal with the depression as it comes on the on a grand level, understanding that certain (sometimes unseen) circumstances can trigger a period of depression lasting a few weeks or more, but ultimately, it's the moment-to-moment variance in depression that I find very hardest to handle. I can go from feeling almost on-top of the world (not manic mind you) to hearing/seeing/thinking one small thing that will send me into an uncontrollable crying spell.  Almost as hard as dealing with the crying spell itself (and all that uncomfortable feelings that come when this happens in public), is the realization that I must not have actually been that happy in the moment(s) preceding my becoming upset.  

It seems there is an underlying grey-ness to life that I can forget about, even for a day or two, and then something happens to remind me that no, the persistent greay-ness is always there, ever lurking, lingering, bleeding into an otherwise sunshine filled world and creating unwelcome shadows which then shade my existence. 

Kahlil Gibran would argue, "And how else can it be? The more that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." I suppose I'm in the period of carving, longing for the time when my cup runneth over. But then again, I'm skeptical that this concept is more than a mere illusion reserved for enjoyment by those who convince themselves of its existence or are too ignorant to be the wiser.


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