I started out a pretty girl, full of life and love and adventure. I was ready to take on all that came my way. I had high hopes and dreams and goals and my energy was soaring, but something somewhere suddenly changed.
I used to have a date each night. I had more friends than I could count. I laughed, I played, I knew myself. I envisioned a life of deep meaning with these simple moments intertwined. I wanted to be head over heals in love with the man I would marry.
I married my high school sweetheart. I'd never found anyone else to love so deeply. He was – he is – my everything. I loved the way he would hold me, talk with me, let me be me. Then…. then, something changed.
Shortly after we got married, there was no longer that lingering kiss, the surprise visits just to see me, or the long talks inside the car. Laughter was replaced by loneliness as I sat home alone while he went out with his brothers or his friends. I worked, I studied, I tried to move forward, with no one by my side. Somehow when I got married I lost everyone I held dear to my heart.
I gave up school each time I needed to work more hours to pay our bills. I canceled my plans each time it meant we could be together. I worked at building our marriage up… I thought we shared something magical – something special. It wasn't long before I discovered lies. And more lies.
This fantasy world I lived in was mine alone. He was out with other pretty young girls all the while telling me that I was the only one for him. He lied whenever I sensed something was amiss. And then when I found him out, he got angry at me for being upset.
My world of love and laughter crumbled down around me. Our special relationship became the average problematic one. I had to build it up – I had to work on it. I loved him too much to let him go. So, I worked. Alone. I had his kids. I worked on our relationship… alone. I attended marriage counseling… alone. I listened to marriage strengthening cds… alone. I read marriage books… alone. I sat up each night… alone. And each time I brought up that we need to work together, I was criticized and belittled and bullied to the point of tears. And then he'd leave. And here I am… alone.