I started out a pretty girl, full of life and love and adventure.  I was ready to take on all that came my way.  I had high hopes and dreams and goals and my energy was soaring, but something somewhere suddenly changed.

I used to have a date each night.  I had more friends than I could count.  I laughed, I played, I knew myself.  I envisioned a life of deep meaning with these simple moments intertwined.  I wanted to be head over heals in love with the man I would marry.

I married my high school sweetheart.  I'd never found anyone else to love so deeply.  He was – he is – my everything.  I loved the way he would hold me, talk with me, let me be me.  Then…. then, something changed.

 

Shortly after we got married, there was no longer that lingering kiss, the surprise visits just to see me, or the long talks inside the car.  Laughter was replaced by loneliness as I sat home alone while he went out with his brothers or his friends.  I worked, I studied, I tried to move forward, with no one by my side.  Somehow when I got married I lost everyone I held dear to my heart. 

I gave up school each time I needed to work more hours to pay our bills.  I canceled my plans each time it meant we could be together.  I worked at building our marriage up… I thought we shared something magical – something special.  It wasn't long before I discovered lies.  And more lies.

This fantasy world I lived in was mine alone.  He was out with other pretty young girls all the while telling me that I was the only one for him.  He lied whenever I sensed something was amiss.  And then when I found him out, he got angry at me for being upset.

My world of love and laughter crumbled down around me.  Our special relationship became the average problematic one.  I had to build it up – I had to work on it.  I loved him too much to let him go.  So, I worked.  Alone.  I had his kids.  I worked on our relationship… alone.  I attended marriage counseling… alone.  I listened to marriage strengthening cds… alone.  I read marriage books… alone.  I sat up each night… alone.  And each time I brought up that we need to work together, I was criticized and belittled and bullied to the point of tears.  And then he'd leave.  And here I am… alone.

3 Comments
  1. snowdreamer 11 years ago

    This last spring after 14yrs together the love of my life, the very air I breathed left me for another woman saying he realized he loved me but wasn't in love with me.  I was devastated, crushed, humiliated and embarassed.  I right away moved back home to my children and parents and grandkids and the lies keep eating at me to the point I don't trust anyone no matter what they say.  I'm so alone and lonely it hurts and I can't get him out of my mind but him being out of sight does help some but still the hurt I feel won't ever go away and I'll never love another man like I've loved him.  I'm so sorry for what you are going thru but honey don't take the abuse, please don't let it come to that verbal abuse hurts just as much as physical I know my first husband was like that.  There may come a time when you must move on too, don't be scared be strong for yourself and your kids.  If you need someone to talk to I'm always around here just let me know….

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  2. bergita 11 years ago

    Dear snowdreamer, your message brought tears to my eyes.  I feel so trapped and alone.  My heart goes out to you!  You have a strength in you that I can feel through your words.  You have a very positive energy – and I hope that doesn't sound funny – I'm not into cosmic forces or anything like that, but I couldn't think of a better way to say it. 🙂

    I have two great kids and from the outside looking in, my husband appears to be the ideal husband.  And he's a good guy for the most part.  He goes to church, he works hard (he just finished medical school), and he provides for his family.  But he is manipulative and hurtful when it comes to our relationship.  He is very good at turning my innermost feelings into a battleground for debate and critisism and bullying to justify himself.  For years and years I have talked myself into staying with him, especially now that we have children together.  He says he loves me, and I know that I love him without a doubt, but why can't he treat me the way I deserve to be treated?  I spend night after night and day after day alone while he goes on living his life separate from his family.  I don't feel strong enough to do anything about it.  The most I can do right now is talk to him about strengthening our relationship, but then that turns into him getting defensive and beating me down with his hurtful words.  It's a tricky situation.  The truth of the matter is I can't leave.  Not yet.

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  3. kallie 11 years ago

    Hello bergita,  You are still in there somewhere, I promise.  You have a lot to deal with and you CAN overcome your sadness.  Look within yourself to love yourself again . . and eventually, the happiness will return, slowly but surely.  Please take care of yourself and let me know how you are doing. 

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