your right, as much as i'm ashamed i need to elaborate :/

i got back from the gym feeling quite hyper..basically

i suffer from panic attacks due to PTSD, i was sexually abused at college by an older student. Tonight i don't know what came over me, an ex of mine was being over-friendly and he talked his way into coming to my town to visit me, before i knew it he was outside! He was fine at first, we just talked, then we watched a film, then he asked for a friendly cuddle, and i should of been firmer on my NO, but i was scared solid. i was uncomfortable, my neck was crooked and his elbow was digging into my ribs but i was frozen. a little later into the film he got abit more intimate, this was were i remember freaking out, he kissed me for so long until i couldn't breath, he was physically alot bigger than me, all i could see was his outline which scared me more. next thing i know i was curled in a ball at the foot on the sofa shaking. he took me back once i'd calmed down- i just brushed it off and said i was tired and cold. which was stupid- coz this lead to him holding me tighter! flashback number 2..i dunno why but my legs automatically came upto my chest again! and i concerntrated on getting my breath back as smoothly as i could while half hanging off the sofa. I don't remember much of the rest, until i came round again at the end. which makes me panic even more coz i don't know what happend?! it's like i completely spaced!! i don't want my thoughts to go too haywire but i hope he didn't have sex with me. he's gone now, it's 3am and i'm wide awake but soooo tired. i don't know what to do! i'm shaking like a leaf, how could i be so pathetic, stupid idea!! i feel so guilty. i pushed myself right into that one! i've cut all over my tummy :/ silly me. I'm seeing my doctor in the morning which is a gd thing, i HOPE. i just hope i can tell her the truth. AHHHHH


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