Maybe it's because I'm on the rag at the moment.

Maybe it's because I'm so burnt out from the shit abyss that is my job.

Maybe it's because I don't feel sexy or attractive at all and haven't had an orgasm in a while.

Maybe it's because I should really take my dog to the vet to at least make sure everything's ok with him.

Maybe it's because my apartment looks worse than fucking hoarders and Frank blames me 100% for the state of our living space, because I work too late, because I never have time to go grocery shopping, because I never have time to cook anymore, and blahhh blahhh blahhhhh and it's ALL MY FAULT of course. Every dish we own is dirty. There's wrappers and eggshells and garbage everywhere. We can't even see the surface of the kitchen table. We haven't been eating enough salad.

Maybe because I can't really fully disconnect from work this weekend because I really need to work on invoices so I don't get bitched at. And one of my few good graphic artists will be away all of next week and I don't know what I'm going to do. And I feel like my boss has no clue how overwhelmed I am and how inefficiently things are going and I feel really helpless about how to resolve it but I know that things can't continue going as they are. It's just too fucking chaotic. She wants me to take responsibility for all these accounts and allow Melissa to take care of things as I see fit, but at the same time I always need to oversee what she's doing to make sure it's going ok. And it's really just too many things for me to worry about. My mind is all over the place and I can't concentrate on anything. I'm always in a state of panic at work. Why can't Song just hire a decent ENGLISH-SPEAKING adult with a good brain, so that I can at least pass off SOME THINGS 100% to someone else, without having to be involved???!!!! It's just that I have too many high-maintenance accounts, that there's just no fucking balance. A couple of years ago, at least the workload was SOMEWHAT balanced, so that each sales rep had 1 or 2 difficult accounts and then several less difficult accounts. It's so much more efficient to manage things that way. This is crazy and it's making me feel like I've fucking lost my mind. And the artists really take advantage of my vulnerability because I'm always panicked and forgetful and can't keep track of anything and can't make decisions.

It's too much for one person to have to handle Polo + Marubeni + Jessica Simpson + Banana Republic + American Eagle…. while at the same time having to roughly keep an eye on whether or not Melissa is doing and good job with Ann Taylor Factory + Loft + Clinique…. and whether or not the customers like her and whether or not the account will grow. I honestly having no fucking idea…. I mean, I show my face at Loft from time to time so that Michele can have peace of mind, and I'll help her with things when I have time but then I keep getting distracted from other things I should be doing. And I feel so fucking disorganized, it's fucking crazy I can't stand it. I can't even formulate clear thoughts for the past few days. Because I'm always chronically running late and everything is always wrong and most of the artists are clinically retarded and don't follow my instructions and have bad judgement. And they don't care how I'll look to the customer, or if I'm running late, or if I'm freaking out and having a nervous breakdown because they didn't do something correctly. And no one cares if I don't eat lunch until 4pm or don't have time to eat lunch at all. And why should anyone care? I don't even care about myself enough to make sure that I take care of my basic personal needs, like eating lunch and cleaning my apartment and food shopping and laundry and walking the dog at a reasonable hour of the night instead of 11pm.

I'm just so exhausted and yet I really can't even relax because my mind is always somewhere else and never within the present and I can't access the truthful present part of my mind. I feel really crazed and irrational and out of control. I don't know what to do but I know that things cannot continue as they are.