So that decision with my step father is made although I'm more sad than I thought that I would be… I cried last night because of it. I was writing a letter to my step father and just started crying after reading it over again… So the letter had water spots on it but I put it in the envolpe regardless. I'm going to give it to mom so she can give it to him. My decision is a no. I'm not going to be a part of his life. I have many reasons of why not (and why I should..) but in short, I don't want to get hurt again. When I called him (oh yeah… I called him y'all. I think I forgot to tell you that..), he told me himself that he hasn't changed. I know how he is. I know what he's like. I spent 2 years trying to get him out of my life and here I am trying to get back in…. It doesn't make much sensse now does it? Despite the fact that I miss him terribly, I know that once we start to become closer again, he's going to hurt me. He always does. We fight and we yell because we are two of the same person. I know that probably makes no sense but we are both stubborn. When we have an opinion, we still to it. No matter what. Two stubborn people can not be that close because we always end up fighting over the stupid things. Or perhaps the most important.

Another reason is, I called him aminly for one question and one question only (though we ended up talking for two hours..). That was did he want me in his life. He never answer the question. I asked him it a least 20 times and not once did he say yes or no. He just kept saying either it was more complicated than that or that it wasn't his decision to make. Both are true but everyone has an opinion and I wanted to know his. I don't want to be somewhere that I wasn't wanted. Although even if he had said yes than I might now have said yes either. I just wanted to know his answer.

I feel like in someways not answering the question is giving me an answer. I feel like the answer was no but he just didn't want to tell me.

I know I'm going to miss him because despite everything, I do love him. He is my father and he took care of me when my real father wouldn't. He was with me for 15 years and then he just has to leave…. This is just making me sad… I wish I could see him… But I know if I do then it won't turn out good.

I have to go… Study hall is almost over. I'll talk at y'all later and I hope your days are going better than mine.


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