I am disgusted although not at all surprised at my most recent breakdown which occurred last night. I chopped off ALL my hair, cut myself, shaved my eyebrows (which look very amusing) And I wrote some things on FB which will probably get me thrown off of there. Oh yes, and I broke my cell phone. Snapped it in half. Just fantastic. That's what drinking and listening to Nirvana will do. I hate myself. I wanted to die and I want to even more now that I see my ugly self in the mirror. No hair, shaven eyebrows, fat, fat, fat… And just the stupidest person alive.

I know I was punishing myself and I couldn't stop it. I was punishing myself for not being good enough for K. I was punishing myself for losing my children. I was punishing myself for being a pig and gaining weight. And I was also punishing myself for drinking alone which I said I wouldn't do anymore.

Anyway, I hope you like this kitten, I don't know what kind of a kitten it is, but cats make good avatars. I do not want my picture on here. I am sure being on here will come back to haunt me too. Nothing is safe. Nowhere to turn to, no place to get peace or solice or support or anything of the kind.

What now? All I can think of is my hair and my phone. Because what if K texts me? I doubt he will, but what if? I need to have a phone asap. I will buy an upgrade. I am planning on using my birthday money for that. Then I can be reconnected. If K needs me, he has to be able to text me. One thing I promised, is that I will ALWAYS be there for him. Something like Shel Silverstein's "Giving Tree". I am the tree and K is the boy. I don't mind it, as long as he keeps coming back and needing me in some way. My nightmare is that he will not.

I don't know what to do about my hair. It's too short even for clip in extentions, which I have several of. I am not even sure it's long enough for professional extentions, but even if it is, I don't want to spend $1000 PLUS++ on them. But I will if I have to.

I want to get my life on track. I want to work out and be in shape. I want to have friends or at least keep my family somewhat happy. WHY IS IT SO G-DD— HARD???

I am terrified to move forward looking and feeling the way I do. Surprisingly or NOT surprisingly, I still want to eat, eat, eat… Good luck to me.

Thanks to anyone who reads this. Just because I know how hard these are to read.


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