Last couple nights..well..the last couple nights for the past two weeks or so have been difficult. I have been having some anxiety before sleep. Once I am done with what I need to do, and get ready to relax in my bed…I get this sudden fear of 'being out of control and/or dying. The term dying is hard to explain. It's not like I am going to die…but more like dying from a bad change. I think a lot of it has to do with the holidays. Holidays are so hard for me, and I am sure they're hard on others. I don't have anything running through my mind that's stressful…the thoughts are obsessive. For a moment I will think, 'oh my..I am having a hard time breathing..what if there's no more oxygen after my last breath and I will suffocate?" Strange stuff like that. I had placed a xanax near my bedside, and stared at it. I have been working with myself to try to overcome panic and anxiety on my own. I try to stay positive. But..I had a horrible panic spell last night, and had to take the pill. Three hours later, I finally drifted into sleep. I awoke at 4am from my own voice. I was not just talking in my sleep, but I was yelling. I am not the type to yell, scream, anger, mean.. but it scared me. I was yelling and I don't know what I was yelling about. When I awoke I had a cold sweat, my heart was beating very heavily and I almost starting panicking. I kept trying not to let it increase. I have a hard time going back to sleep if I have a panic attack in the middle of the night. Night time for me is peaceful. But lately, it feels like if I have a panic attack in the middle of the night, I feel as though I am the only one up in the entire world and no one can help me calm myself down. Sometimes, I want to text a friend or wake up my mom, but I don't do that. After an hour of reassuring myself I wasn't going to 'die', I managed to drift back into sleep…but then I awoke late, which pissed me off. I had a crap load of things to do today and by the time I woke up, the day was pretty much done with. Eh… my mom asked if I was stressed about something, but when I think about it.. not really, but of course, if I really analyze it.. a lot. Maybe my mind hides a lot of my stress, and it empties into my sleep, which is most common for people but I can't stand the fact that I have anxiety spells in my sleep because of my subconcious stress. I know soon, it will get better. I am proud that I am not on any anti depressants.. and I feel pretty good about myself. I just want a good night sleep!