So, I am fairly used to having bad thoughts. Okay, not used to having them, I still hate them, but I have realized they are there and learned to live life with them. But they still affect me so very much. Even knowing they are OCD, they still throw me for such a loop. Such a painful, anxious loop.
But today I was over at a friends house, our kids were playing together, and we were having fun chit-chatting. And at one point, when I was hanging out with my son and her daughter talking to them about a toy or something, I looked at her daughter and said to myself that "gosh, I hope I don't have a thought about my friend's daughter"…and then, you guessed it, I did have a thought. But I am pretty sure I created the thought. I am pretty sure I completely came up with it. And I certainly didn't want to have it, or maybe I did, but I didn't.Maybe I don't have OCD…maybe I want to have these thoughts…but I don't!!! And then the thought was there and it upset me so. I hate these thoughts and every day I question myself about whether I am my thoughts. It is hard for me to imagine, even after years of better understanding OCD, that they don't come from me. That I am not my thoughts. I trust my brain…or I used to…but now I can't. I am more than willing to help others with their OCD. I feel wonderful being able to tell someone that the thought that is bothering them is just their OCD and they shouldn't let it bother them. But I can't tell myself that at all. Well, at least not at this moment. I will of course get past this moment…but it sucks while I am here.
I feel your pain, why do good people have OCD? It isn't fair!!
We all definetly need some t-shirts that say Bad Thoughts Suck! I really relate to what you're saying, I too some times wonder about the line between OCD thoughts vs real thoughts. It seems blurry at times since they come from the same source. What makes me feel better is reminding myself that normal brains have horrible thoughts all the time, they can just filter better. Don't believe me rent a horror movie, talk about some whacko thoughts from whoever writes those screenplays. You just have to trust yourself, especially with the worst of the thoughts, that you know your soul. Deep in you heart, pass the OCD, you know you don't like the thought and you don't want to have it. So good luck and OCD sucks.
Sorry you had such a rough time at your friend's house. I know exactly how you feel – I do the same thing in my mind and have the same results. Almost like our brain is playing a little game with us. "Oh, so you hope you don't have a bad thought about her? Well, I wasn't going to give you one, but here you go!" It does suck, doesn't it? But just remember it's definately not you, just your OCD. I hope you're having a better day today 🙂