So, I am fairly used to having bad thoughts. Okay, not used to having them, I still hate them, but I have realized they are there and learned to live life with them. But they still affect me so very much. Even knowing they are OCD, they still throw me for such a loop. Such a painful, anxious loop.
But today I was over at a friends house, our kids were playing together, and we were having fun chit-chatting. And at one point, when I was hanging out with my son and her daughter talking to them about a toy or something, I looked at her daughter and said to myself that "gosh, I hope I don't have a thought about my friend's daughter"…and then, you guessed it, I did have a thought. But I am pretty sure I created the thought. I am pretty sure I completely came up with it. And I certainly didn't want to have it, or maybe I did, but I didn't.Maybe I don't have OCD…maybe I want to have these thoughts…but I don't!!! And then the thought was there and it upset me so. I hate these thoughts and every day I question myself about whether I am my thoughts. It is hard for me to imagine, even after years of better understanding OCD, that they don't come from me. That I am not my thoughts. I trust my brain…or I used to…but now I can't. I am more than willing to help others with their OCD. I feel wonderful being able to tell someone that the thought that is bothering them is just their OCD and they shouldn't let it bother them. But I can't tell myself that at all. Well, at least not at this moment. I will of course get past this moment…but it sucks while I am here.