Bad week

gomizzou, July 29, 2017, Uncategorized, Anxiety, Depression, Obesity, 2

Have spent the whole week in bed practically. Haven’t even showered since Monday(or was it Sunday?), the distance between my bedroom and the shower spigot feeling like…miles away…a journey away, instead of just a few feet. The current crop of fears causing me to hide from the world: how to get my TV fixed, inability to go through stack(s) of mail to find and pay my electric bill, car needs oil change, car needs a new tire, possibly more, so fear of not having enough money for all this(currently $300 to my name, average about $200/week as an Uber driver) and hesitation/shame/embarrassment to ask mother for financial assistance is keeping me scared, depressed, and unable to get moving. How pathetic is that? Oh , I see the word count thing is working now! It wasn’t working before when I initially tried to write this blog before the whole thing somehow got wiped out about halfway through. But I am sincerely glad to see that it is now. If we have to for whatever silly reason have to have a minimum requirement of words in order to publish our blogs, the least they could do is let us have a way to know how far along we are while writing said blogs to reaching that requirement. Also, I find the “chat now” box constantly appearing in my face(and my space) to be quite annoying.
Now back to the blog. I find myself feeling resentful of “The Happy”, as I call them. As if they are an entity so foreign to me that they might as well not be of this earth. That is, resentful of those who are happy, just to clarify, and I know it’s an ugly way to be, and I don’t like that I feel that way towards them, and I am sorry. The happy couples who walk and hold hands…the happy couples I see with their arms around each other at the movie theater when I go to see a movie(by myself, of course)….I get depressed seeing them. It makes me ask G-d or The Universe or myself or whatever why in the hell can’t I be one of them? Why do you forbid me from being one of them? What did I do so horrible to deserve the punishment of isolation and to be permanently banned from having love in my life? Did I not appreciate it enough the few times I had a chance to have it with someone(the last one being 10 years ago)? I am so sorry for my what I suppose could only best be described as ambivalent feelings towards Melissa from that last time–but is that why you are punishing me and never allowing me to have love in my life again? If so, is that really fair? And YOU KNOW I wanted it to work with Megan and Natalie(my other two best chances from ages ago) but damn it you wouldn’t let me figure out what the hell to do to make it last.
Of course, being someone who has battled anxiety and depression for years probably hasn’t helped to deem me a “catch”; nor in my current state(which tends to be perpetual)of just getting by financially and being about 40lbs overweight, I am well aware is not leading women to be knocking down my doors. But even when I was in good shape physically, it didn’t ever seem to make a difference anyway.
Thanks for letting me vent, good people. I wish you all the best. Goodness knows you all have earned it and deserve it.
-TH

2 Comments

troubelled 7 years ago

thank you for shareing

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gomizzou 7 years ago

Thank you for reading. ☺

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