i don’t know what’s wrong with me. it’s so stupid. this is all stupid. i’m stupid. everything is going wrong except not for me. everything is going fine for me. i don’t have fucking depression or bipolar or anything. i don’t have abusive parents, dead parents, manipulative friends, relationship issues, nothing like that. all i’m dealing with is myself. i hate myself very much. more than you think. is there anybody in your life that you hate? somebody who you know just has it easy, somebody who is always a bitch to you, just an attention seeking dumbass. picture yourself being stuck with them. not just with them. inside them. your mind is in their body and it’s screwing you up. that’s me. i hate myself, i am the antagonist of my own life. i feel awful right now. everyone seems to know my name, and everyone is nice to me. they never seem to get mad at me and they should. they should. i’m such a bad person, and people around me are so nice. i feel like it’s fake. they don’t really love me that much because it’s uncharacteristic of a human being. it’s not real. nothing can change my mind, so don’t tell me “it is real” because it doesn’t make any goddamn difference. don’t be nice to me. it doesn’t help. there’s only one person who really truly helps and they’re busy a lot of the time, and the minute they leave i feel worse. so don’t be nice. i’ve tried tackling it the opposite way, asking people to be pessimists but realists, just be mean to me and be honest at the same time. it doesn’t help either. you see, this is why i don’t have any hope for myself. behavior like this is what makes me believe i’m subconsciously aware that i’m in it for the attention. i hate myself so much. the worst part is when i can’t stop myself from being in a good mood. when i am around my brother he has the ability to spontaneously make me “happier.” same goes for one of my irl friends. they make me “happy” but the minute they go away i realize it’s not real and i don’t even have problems because even i can be happy sometime, no, even i can’t not be happy sometimes. it’s fucking frustrating!! i hate myself so much. i’m such a goddamn burden.

tldr i don’t have any hope for myself. nothing helps and that’s all my fault. i hate myself so much.

1 Comment
  1. Author
    thebluejay 2 months ago

    it’s very annoying that it always categorizes my blog even though i specifically told it not to. i guess apparently i’m in a relationship now, and i have bipolar and depression, and i’m dealing with domestic abuse.

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