Isn't if funny how you only get on this site when you are feeling down? At least I think most of us do. I'm having rather a fine time here recently. My depression rarely surfaces and when it does its not all that bad. I can handle it. But here recently my thoughts are turning to the worst and I don't know where else to turn. I can do anything about this right now because its not a good time. I know what I'm going to do. I need to talk to him… A practice I'm not familiar with. But I need somewhere to vent and complain and explain. I do this to much to my friends so I thought I would come on here, where perhaps people want to hear it. Perhaps they might help.

So I know I'm only 16 (birthday is coming up though!) And it should not be a big deal but it is. I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 year 5 months and 3 days… Everything is perfect. Or so I thought. Then my mind started going at work… The situation is no ones fault. Its simply how things played out. My mom hates my boyfriend more than I will probably ever know. I see him, if I'm lucky, an hour a week. Mainly only about thirty minutes. We don't ever talk anymore. The timing is never right. In the morning I am at school while he is asleep and by the time I come home, he's at work until around midnight to even four in the morning. Whenever we do see each other, there is no talking involved… Assume what you will, it doesn't matter at this point. He's never around when I need him, and it's not his fault. Its just as I said, the timing in our lives are off. He asked me to move in with him when I turn 18 and you would think I would be happy. But I'm not. I honestly, don't want to move in with him. My mother moved right in with her boyfriend the second she turned of age and, though I love my mother and my life is awesome and all because of her, she hasn't mad very smart decisions and her plans and lifestyle now are not the best. I don't want that for myself. I'm sure she doesn't want that for me. My plan is once I turn 18, hopefully I'll have a job by then, to get some cheap apartment or trailor and figure things out on my own. That way when and if I do move in with someone, I know what I'm doing no matter what. I won't need a man to rely on. But I wouldn't know how to explain that to him… I'm not good with talking… I just feel… I feel like our relationship… Is not a relationship anymore. And it kills me. Because he is such a nice guy and he has been there for me for a lot of bad moments in my life and I've been there for him. And I love him. With all my heart. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. Even if I am only 16.

But the relationship… Is not a relationship anymore. Its no ones fault. Its just how life played out. When I picture having this conversation with him I start to cry. Because I don't want to loose him. I don't want to hurt him either. I love him way to much. But I simply can not help how I feel. I've been feeling this for sometime now so I know its not simply some kind of phase or an emotion I was having due to like a fight that we've had or something (still have never once fought BTW…) And when I get the nerve up to talk to him, whenever I see him, everything just seems so fine. Like nothing was every wrong or I didn't have a problem anymore. I know the feeling is false though because the second we are apart, I feel what I am feeling right now…

I know I need to talk to him. I will. But I want to do it face to face. This isn't a conversation yo have on the phone or through text. But getting face to face is a problem in itself because of how hectic our lives are. And as I said early, once we are face to face, everything seems fine and I lose the feeling that I feel now for a while. Thinking that everything is fine, I forget about the fact that I need to talk to him.

I just…. I don't want to loose him.