havnt written for a while..
havnt been online much, except for on my phone on fb…
just cant be bothered with the laptop, dont really care..
the last week been takin more of otc sleeping pills, although have none left tonight/
i worry myself when i think about suicide that some things have shifted…
i just got to tell myself i wont do anything… i wont do it to my mum.. even if that reason is wearing thinner and thinner..
…
i dont know.
im sure the pristiq is takin the edge off the depression, a good think apparently, but anoys me more that i need this .. i dont want to be on medication, and i want to go off it.. but i also want to see the phyciatrist.. why? for one thing, i want the therapy the clinic has to offer, and another person that i guess can help me is somthing, if i do seem to insist on being here.. well somthing to that affect anyways. she has sugested maybe another medication, which i guess i will try, as long as it doesnt involve weight gain.. and she agree's with this, given that one of my majior issues is body imagine/eating dissorder, … its nice that i dont have to fight against this one.. i could no deal with weight gain..

sooo..

mum goes away in two days for a month…
am i worried?
no, it will be nice to have freedom.. just the usal not havin parents around ect.
and sure. it leaves me to do what i will.
which is mostley use..
but i wont do anything ../ nothing .. final.
i wouldnt do that to her.. even if it is wearing thin.. doing it like that? no.. i dont think so

but.. next month will be interesting.. it even may not be so much..

i keep wondering.. what will break her heart more.. if i just run away..
or if she knows. if she finds me…

its not nice having these thoughts.
its not nice not wanting to be alive.
it gets old.
it gets tiring…