After such a wonderful day with my family yesterday, I expected the night to end the same way. I was completely wrong.
Normally I don't get too deep into my relationship stuff with my husband because I'm a very private person in that department. But this time I need to talk or I'll explode.
I just feel numb. Tired and numb.
Years and years ago, (it seems like a lifetime or two since) during a very bad period in our marriage my husband got involved with my best friend. To make a long story short, it was very ugly and almost ended our marriage, but I was no saint either. I found out when I had kicked him out and was trying to get a divorce and was seeing someone else. Right then and there I talked to my friend and told her that while I loved her more than I could say I couldn't be close with her anymore because of the betrayal of trust, and that maybe someday in the future I would heal enough from it to resume our friendship ~ but there were no guarantees.
Fast forward to now. A few weeks ago we had a really drunken night with her and her boyfriend (and I mean REALLY drunk) and things got weird. That's all I'm going to say. Michelle and I talked about it after it happened and we promised each other that it wouldn't happen again, ever. Since then I also found out from her that my husband has been sending her texts 24/7 that have been way out of line and very sexual in nature. She didn't want to tell me, but I needed to know. She doesn't want his affections and doesn't share them. Our friendship now means so much more than that.
I've been sitting on this news for a week, ruminating about it and turning and turning it over in my mind, trying to decide what to do about it. I wanted to get to a point where I was stable and clear-minded enough to make a good decision about how to bring it up and talk about it and to have cooled off my initial anger about the situation.
Last night we showered together (as we always do) and got ready for bed. I thought that maybe we could make love after such a good day together, but as it started I couldn't bring my mind off the texts to Michelle he had made. The harder I tried to make it go away, the more insistent they became. I finally said "I can't do this". So he went and laid on his side of the bed and asked me what the matter was.
I laid there a long time, and this soul weariness just took over. I didn't respond because I didn't know how to start. I eventually was able to put words together and say what was bothering me. His response? "Well I was just playing around". No you weren't. I know better than that. You've always had a thing for her and you took advantage of a situation that allowed you to do what you wanted. Yes, I took part in things I'm definitely not proud of from that night too, but I haven't been calling and texting Mike every 20 minutes. I hardly ever call him or text him. And I certainly haven't been sending sexual messages to him! Truthfully I just want to forget about what happened altogether and move on from it!
I never raised my voice, never changed my tone. I kept even and cool, didn't get angry. As I lay there silently waiting for answers or explanations from him he was obviously ashamed and deeply embarrassed. He wouldn't say a word and was afraid to touch me, which I was glad of. It would have just made me aggravated and made me cringe.
I talked and he listened but he didn't respond much. SoI got sick of trying to communicate and instead went out on the porch to smoke a cigarette. He eventually came out and wanted to sit next to me on the couch, soI let him. I asked him why he hadn't gone to bed ~ it's not like we we're having a fight. "We're not?", he asked. I said, "No. I'm done fighting. I'm tired of this problem. All I've got to say is to ask you whether your misbegotten love for his crush was more important than his family and the days (like yesterday) that we shared". Of course his answer was "NO!", but even then who wouldn't open up to me. I kept reminding him that there was a pink elephant in the room between us that we kept avoiding and it needed to be discussed. We both know it's there and we both need to acknowledge it and discuss what exactly it is. Or else this marriage is never going to be satisfying and we're never going to grow together.
Needless to say I didn't sleep well. I ended up on the couch at 5:30 this morning after having a rough night of tossing and turning. I'm sore and achey this morning, my body is just getting to old to be sleeping on the couch all the time. Before I went to sleep I watched a little bit of the sunrise, but it didn't make me feel any better so I just went to lay down.
I've talked to him via text messaging today. I made sure that he knew I loved him, just that things had to change. I know everyone gets crushes, even while you're married. I'm also damning my therapist right now because she suggested we "sexually explore" some. If it hadn't been for that statement I don't think the whole thing would have happened.
Please, if you are my friend, don't judge me for this stupid and disgusting mistake. I was pushed into it by my husband and friend and was truly too drunk to think straight. I erroneously thought that maybe it would help our sex life, which is seemingly at an almost dead end. I was extremely wrong.
I just needed to get this off my chest. The whole thing makes me feel dirty and cheap and gross. I have a lot of self-loathing about it. I really don't need anybody else's judgements of me right now, what I really need is support and some ideas on how to deal with this situation.
Thanks for listening and caring enough to read this.