I did it again. 30 cuts between two legs, the smallest ones being about 4 inches and the largest ones being about 10 inches. My hands, arms, and legs were soaked in blood and it pooled on the shower floor where I sat. It took over 50 band-aids to cover all of the damage. I can only wear tightpants now because it burns like hell when anything rubs against them or the skin around them.Do I regret it? No. Should I? Yes.

Is there something wrong with me?

I got into an argument with my parents about how my sister has it made compared to what I had to go through when I was 19 years old. She has free college, doesnt have to make car payments, or pay for her gas and she only has to work 15-20 hours a week at her job as a grocery store cashier. When I was 19, I had to pay for 100% of my tuition on my own, I made payments on my car and the insurance, I had to pay for my gas, buy my own clothes, most of my food, and I was working a grueling 45+ hours a week in fast food. Their defense was that she earned it by getting straight A's in high school; for working for it. I'm sorry, but I was facing much larger REAL world problems in high school, and those problems made it real hard to focus on looking up facts in a book and regurgitating them onto a piece of paper. I've been fighting severe major depression since middle school. I was bullied, I dealt with eating disorders, and I was an outcast. My sister, however, was very popular and very happy in school. They say she worked hard so she's earned the stuff that she has. They're obviously very proud of her. I don't think they understand how much hard work I had to put in just to pass my classes and make it out of high school alive (which I almost didn't do since I was hospitalized my senior year for a failed suicide attempt). Going by those credentials, I worked just as hard, IF NOT HARDER, as my sister and yet I don't get good fortune thrown at me. It's just a losing battle. I can't convince them. My sister is someone to be proud of, I'm not. She's going to college and she can manage to stay sane through it. I had to "take a break" from college because just being on campus made me want to step in front of a speeding train. Her future is going somewhere. Mine isn't. I never wanted to disappoint my parents because I do love them to pieces but the very nature of who I am is disappointing. It can't be avoided.

So this is why I cut myself last night. I wanted to die but I knew that would just create more trouble for my family and they don't need that right now, so I settled for releasing some of the pain (which I do NOT condonce. Do NOT try this at home, kids). After going at it for about an hour, I felt like I wouldn't be able to stop. The one thing that snapped me out of it was looking at a picture of myself when I was 5 years old. I was such a bright, happy little girl. My parents said I was so easy and fun to take care of because I was never upset; I was always smiling and laughing. When I see that adorable little girl, I feel like I would to anything to protect her from all of the horrible shit she's going to go through. I don't want to let her down, I want to give her a good future. But then I started to cry because when I see her, I feel like she doesn't exist anymore. That little girl is dead. But I so do not want her to be. I feel that maybe, if I can try from now on to be a good pereson that would make my family proud, I could bring that sweet, happy little girl back to life.

I feel like I should stop cutting but then sometimes I wonder if it's really such a big deal. The cuts will heal and all they leave behind is scars, which I really don't care about because I never wear shorts or short dresses anyway. I don't know…I just can't seem to stop. I try to stop and then weeks later, I'll start up again even worse than before. I just can't leave it behind. I don't cut to die; I cut to live.