No one understands how this feels. I'm called rude by my family-I'm constantly made to feel like shit because I can't hug them or be near them because my little sister can't hug me without me running away. I'm like a monster but everyone terrifies me. My older sister chased me round the house today as a joke to try and hug me (because my family think it's a joke that I don't like to be near the) then she pinned me down on the couch and kissed me head and ran away and I haven't stopped crying since. I'm sick of being powerless and I'm sick of being forced. I was raped last year and this is the first time I've actually admitted it to myself or to anyone. I was raped. Raped raped raped- I've tried to pretend it didn't happen but I'm not normal anymore. All that I want is to be the old me, I used to be happy and popiular now I actually feel dead inside like I don't feel anything but scaredness. I don't like to go out of my house and I don't like to be near people because they honestly terrify me but sometimes I just need a hug. It doesn't make sense I don't make sense. When I walk down a street I assess the people I see. Can I outrun them? Are they strong enough to pin me down? I actually live in constant fear. I think of nothing else but how scared I am. My teachers, strangers even my family I just can't be near. I wish I could be fixed. It hurts so much like my heart actually hurts because I'm so sad. I have no friends because I don't go out anymore and I just have run out of hope. What is the point. How can this one man have completely destroyed my life and he gets to live his, like I may as well be dead the way I feel if rather be dead. I'm in my most important year at school doing my Alevels but how can I concentrate which the constant paranoia the constant flashbacks. It's not getting any better and I don't know why.

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