Today is okay so far b/c the hubby has not arisen from his cave. But when he does I start to have anxiety wondering how this day is going to be. When he is clean he is the most fun person to be around…he is my best friend then. But when he is needing his drug he can be a very shady character. Last night I hid my keys and my money AGAIN b/c after 5 days of supposed cleanliness I made the mistake of letting him use my car for 5 mins yesterday and he left me stranded for 8 hours at my moothers house. Which wouldn't have been so bad if I had had my school books with me and maybe some company besides the cats and dogs, but I left those books at home thinking we were just stopping by long enough for him to do some work on our broken down truck that is at her house. So another wasted day that needed to be spent working on the papers due On Tuesdau and Wednesday.
I am feeling depressed b/c I know that this is it. We have 60 more days to live where we are, and I guess I thought that he would realize that we are down to the finish here, and that if he did not get clean, get a job, and help support us that I would be moving in with my mother, and that he would then be homeless. He does not seem to get this though.
I got a ride home from my sister last night and when he finally did come back home I took a different aproach than I normally do. Not on purpose though. The numbness I felt is the reason that my silence vs. screaming happened.
I just told him that I am going to try and enjoy the time we have together now while I can, because it has become obvious that he is not going to accept the support and help he needs to get clean, and that as much as it will break my heart when he is crying to me that he has nowhere to stay, I will have to be strong and remind him that he KNEW what the outcome would be, and that his decisions ultimately controlled that outcome. Who ever said big girls don't cry was WRONG! 🙁