I have had a headache for days now, stress I guess. Someone told me to turn my problems over to GOD and let Him take care of me. That has never been my strategy. Once when I was about 5, I did like church. I used to take the church bus by myself to sunday school and vacation bible school. Someone there told me that if I had any problems I could talk to the minister. I thought about it for a long while and decided to do just that. I went to the minister and told him all about my life. I told him we had no running water and nothing to eat. I told him my dad always had a needle in his arm, and if he didnt have he was mean to me and my mom and hurt us. The minister listened to everything I had to say and he told me that GOD has a plan for me and GOD says to honor my mother and father. Then he sent me on my way. I wanted him to take me away to live somewhere else. I never went back to church and I lost faith in GOD. When I was little I always prayed to ask why I deserved life and please make it better. After that I stopped asking, and I decided that GOD was just like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. He was someone for desperate people to go ask for help when they had nowhere else to turn. My husband on the other hand, well he didnt have a great life either, but he still believes in GOD. He thinks that maybe I am being tested. He said that the Devil wouldnt want someone who has a strong belief, that its easier to take someone who doesnt believe. He said the devil's greatest trick was convincing people like me that there is no GOD and no Devil. And maybe he is right. It's been 30 years since I lost my way and while it hasnt all been bad, it definitely hasnt been easy. My dad was baptized when he was a teenager, along with my mom, but then he later said he didnt believe. My dad didnt live to be my age. He killed himself at 36, on my 18th birthday. Perhaps the darkness I feel around me, oppressing me is a sign that I need to turn back to GOD. My husband asked me, what's so wrong about believing in Him if HE is not real? He said its allot better than not believing in him if he is real. I guess he is right. If nothing else, the power of positive intention and positive thinking has been known to work wonders. I have a class on cognitive psychology and we are reading a book called Incognito, which in part suggests that we create our own reality. You know that old saying, "Whether you think you can or think you cant, your right". I'm going to try daily prayer and try not to worry so much. Life is short and I'm trying to take a "whatever is meant to be will be" approach. I think if I can reduce my anxiety, that will be a good start to being happier. I have to try something, before that shoestring breaks and kills me.

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