This week I find myself desperately pulled to circle the wagons. I have felt this the last few weeks but this week its the strongest. I am noticing that it doesnt seem to be driven by emotions and bad thoughts this time though. I want to build up the wall again so that nobody can get in. If nobody can get it…..then they can stop hurting me, right?
This is the opposite of what all the experts and doctors and self help books recommend. Does that mean that I am wrong? Does that mean that I shouldnt cut myself off from the world to protect myself? I am not sure.
I feel as though I deserve a little something. A little supporting hand or word from friends or relatives? I have had a rough time with moving. A rough time with Grandpabeing so ill. A rough time with my Mom this year. A rough time losing my sister and baby niece when they moved so far away and then stopped talking to me. A rough time with my upcoming surgery….it scares me to have to do it again and to do it alone.
Yet the few people I thought I could count on……the few friends/family I thought cared about me…..they are nowhere to be found. One I can understand since her husband is in the hospital. The other two…I guess I just dont deserve to be supported in their eyes. I've been there for them so many times. I know both would say that they are so busy. That may be true. That is the story of my life. I make time for others. Others run out of time for me. This hurts me very badly and I just want to stop making meaningful connections with people. I have tried everything, EVERYTHING to have healthy, happy friendships. This last few years was the most challenging as I tried to quiet my low self esteem and quiet my needs to be a bit more of a stable friend. It still ends up meaning that I am there for them when they could use a friend but I am supposed to make due and be understanding if I need someone and nobody is there. I'm so tired of it. At this point I really dont know if I ever want to have a friend. (you know, the kind who actually know the real you and not the you that you show the world).
I know that our marriage counselor wont like that. She is already really pusing us to go and make some friends. I think that I will see if we can have some couples we sometimes do something with but they dont really have to get to know me for that. We'll see.
I wish there was a way to bandage these wounds so that they would heal. This one friend especially, I held her up through some horrible times for her. Through depression and all sorts of issues. I cant believe she just drops me. Its very painful.
Thanks for listening