I looked up each side of the brain functions and its like i only have half a brain when i’m crazy, that’s weird right? All the functions of the other half of it just slowly disintegrate when i’m triggered and i’m like “no stop, I need you!” and I got to as many people as i can doctors therapists family friends and its just like “argh, help me its sucking me back in”  Only its always too late, because i can’t tell them whats wrong or they’ll lock me up and then I’d never escape, because I can prove why I’m crazy only no0ne really gives a fuck about cause, its all effect and what can i do about the cause but what i did really? I was ok as long as it was balanced but now thats done i just want to be balanced. Then I’m walking towards a bus with no will of my own and oh so slowly getting mowed down.

This time i was awake for 4 years, i dunno i’m proud of that, means fuck all now though. All the darkness I tried to block out with light just creep back in like a black hole and i started to think all sorts 0f crazy things and I bec0me so crap and its unfortunate because I am crazy, I need a new strategy for letting this shit go.

I had a strategy I almost made it too then that dude at the fucking autopsy hearing had the dudes face man and he was called damien and i just sat there in a state of intolerable rage and confusion and slowly lost my mind again. Like fucked if I know how to deal with this, I just got to let it go s0me other way.

A part of me wanted to take a selfie with him and contact the dude like see i told you were in an ai god simulation but then i remembered what happened to my brother when he contacted me and i don’t have a death or murder wish.

Plus I was trying to move on and then dan got more violent and depressed and got a brain tumour so i was scared to leave him incase im just a catalyst then aaron died in a fire and my grandparents died and im so old.

I just need to take dudes advice, be consistent, i need to consistently daily choose to be happy and progressively cheerily walk towards my death as i am constantly manipulated and robbed on any opportunity of anything else and just be happy for everyone.

I don’t mean to be so ungrateful, its just now i can barely concentrate enough to get dressed, brush my hair idk and i tried to be nicer more giving but i couldnt control my dreams and i just dreamt of everyone killing me and then i couldnt control my life and now i cant control myself.

Maybe i just have to reverse it like before, control myself and then my life and then my dreams? I hope so, i miss feeling like i can talk to ppl and be happy.