One suck-ass thing about being unhappily married and without friends is that I have no one to vent to, joke with, or commiserate with. Sometimes I want to be snarky about a customer service experience without a co-worker man-splaining some aspect of our jobs. Sometimes I want to confess that I think a LEGAL college student is gorgeous without being scolded for being a cougar/married. I’m married, not dead or blind.

That’s the shitty thing about living in a world where I’m literally judged by every single motherfucker I know. I can’t express myself. I can’t be honest with anyone. I can’t relax.

I can’t go home and talk to my husband because he’s usually an hour into his drinking by the time I come home from work and barely tolerable or approachable. I can’t talk to any of my coworkers because they just straight up can’t be trusted not to gossip or lecture.

I feel like I’m barely containing myself lately. I feel like I’m almost *looking* for ways to self-destruct. And I have no one to talk to. No one who, beyond flaunting some kind of superficial sense of moral superiority, gives a flying shit if I actually went and fucked an entire fraternity house full of young men.

Have you ever just felt like something big was missing from your life? Something that was mere inches from your grasp, except the one thing standing between you and that missing component is simply knowing you *CAN’T* because someone in your life is in the way?

I wish I was a single parent. I wish my husband’s absence wouldn’t hurt my son in the long run. I wish I was free. I wish I didn’t have to share my child with someone I can’t stand anymore. I wish I was FREE.

I’m not on the cusp of fucking around with a guy half my age. I’m neither crazy, nor stupid…nor a glutton for punishment. (Sorry, but when you’re my age, 20 y/o guys are practically teenagers, still). This is not how Stella’s planning on getting her groove back, thank you. But I’d by lying if I said there’s not a specific student I enjoy looking at. A lot. To the point that I planned on going home to blow off some of that steam with my husband…until I actually got home to my husband and found him drunk, as usual. And so, instead, I play with my phone so I don’t have to listen to him speak…

1 Comment
  1. hope2006 1 year ago

    Do you feel like if you were less neglected emotionally you would feel less impulsive? I feel neglected in my relationship all the time, and I can understand your idea of ‘cheating’ not that you want to act on it but just to have anything happen, to feel something instead of the same thing everyday. I’m so sick of the daily motions, work/home/supper/sleep. It’s exhausting to have to live alone with someone in the same house.

    1 kudos

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