This morning I woke up to an amazing dream. My ex had come back from the military to reconcile with me. He divorced his new wife and came back to apologize for his behaviour towards me. He said that he still loved me, and that he wanted me to come back to him, so we could start a family and have the life that we always planned that we would have. He stood, in my doorway, arms open and outstretched. And I began to walk towards him. However, the closer I got to him, the darker the sky became. I looked down, I was sinking into mud. It became harder and harder to keep from being sucked into his embrace. I was grabbing onto furniture, curtains, whatever I could grab to get away. And when I looked back at him, I was staring down the barrel of a gun. As he pulled the trigger, I woke up.
I woke up to the strange, cold, numbing sensation in my chest. I wanted to cry so bad, but I dont have any more tears to shed over this guy. We were together for almost 3 years. He was my world. And when he started hurting me, I began to resent him. But no matter how much I resented him, I still loved him. I put up with being abused, because I wanted to be loved. I didn't care how many times he screamed at me, or called me psycho. I loved him.
The only feeling I have for him now is hurt, and hatred, almost. I wish I could hate him.
But anyways, I can't break this fog. I've tried every weapon in my arsenal. Besides hurting myself, which I can't bring myself to do. Can't disappoint the folks. /:
so I suppose that's all for today. I'm going to sleep for a bit.