Hello world.

This morning I woke up to an amazing dream. My ex had come back from the military to reconcile with me. He divorced his new wife and came back to apologize for his behaviour towards me. He said that he still loved me, and that he wanted me to come back to him, so we could start a family and have the life that we always planned that we would have. He stood, in my doorway, arms open and outstretched. And I began to walk towards him. However, the closer I got to him, the darker the sky became. I looked down, I was sinking into mud. It became harder and harder to keep from being sucked into his embrace. I was grabbing onto furniture, curtains, whatever I could grab to get away. And when I looked back at him, I was staring down the barrel of a gun. As he pulled the trigger, I woke up.

I woke up to the strange, cold, numbing sensation in my chest. I wanted to cry so bad, but I dont have any more tears to shed over this guy. We were together for almost 3 years. He was my world. And when he started hurting me, I began to resent him. But no matter how much I resented him, I still loved him. I put up with being abused, because I wanted to be loved. I didn't care how many times he screamed at me, or called me psycho. I loved him.

The only feeling I have for him now is hurt, and hatred, almost. I wish I could hate him.

But anyways, I can't break this fog. I've tried every weapon in my arsenal. Besides hurting myself, which I can't bring myself to do. Can't disappoint the folks. /:

so I suppose that's all for today. I'm going to sleep for a bit.

~Ellie

1 Comment
  1. Hitoshura 10 years ago

    Funny enough, this is exactly how I feel. My closest friend also dated me for a long while, and after she dumped me around my birthday in '09 she became progressively distant still claiming we were "family" and close friends — I wanted to mend things, I waited patiently giving her space, and just two weeks ago she came to me for some sort of "humorous" support, that I couldn't give her and she completely exploded at me over it, then emailed me a bunch of times ultimately deciding we can't be friends and left the bulk of the blame on my end, when I had my hand left out for her the entire time.

    Some people just can't be reasoned with, at least not regarding certain things in certain mindsets. I rambled a bit there, but the reason I said I felt that way was because at this point I wish I could hate her, but I don't, and I don't think I ever will. It's a painful feeling, it was bad enough before the rest of my issues cropped up on me to lose a five year effort in the blink of an eye.

    I'm not sure if any of that is what you wanted to hear or was even all that relevant, but I tried anyway. People are unreliable, and I finally understand why the expression "you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket" exists — exactly for situations like this. Giving your heart to someone and trusting them usually just ends up with you getting yourself crushed and in my case at least, she was all I had, and I regret giving her all that attention at the cost of other possible friendships, because now she is gone and I'm left with almost no support through anything that's to come in my future.

    (Sorry for being so long winded; and sorry for making it more about myself than about you. I guess I just try to relate by sharing my thoughts and it often comes out selfabsorbed sounding because I talk about my similar experience instead of offering advice or offering much support to the person.)

    I figure it's better than just saying "I'm sorry you're hurting", to try and actually relate, but I'm not sure. Either way, I AM sorry that you feel that way, I just didn't want to give you a pat on the back and only say that.

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