Depression lowers the immune system and is linked to cancer. Unforgiveness is also linked to cancer so forgiveness is a cure? I do notice i feel SO much worse when around people who do things that make me angry without being able to tell them which adds to the bulk of unforgiveness you carry around with you that you think is protecting you. I also feel like because i've gone through so much torture and most people have everything i have ever dreamed of that the world owes me something, but i only learned within this year, that this doesn't help you. The only way this can help you is if you think of it religiously (god is there for me and nature is aware of my life and i trust them etc and they have to trust me etc.) i think. I have no choice but to be a bit religious otherwise i feel completely alone like i'm in hell and no one knows i exist or cares. I also need it for the rules to live by but some of them scare me (for example, anything that stops you having kids is a sin and you'll be punished for it) but at the same time, cruel as it is, all of the sins make so much sense. The burning in hell part of it at the end isn't very nice though. At the same time religion freaks me out!!! I'm in a paranoid mood because I've been surfing the internet too long because i can't make myself do any of the things i really want and need to get done still, because in the end i can't make friends and make people happy and that's all i want. My social retardedness prevents me from even being able to make anyone happy. I make people sad, that's what i do, even when i'm trying my hardest to make a connection with them. Why was i even talking about religion. I'm hungry for something greasy with a lot of flavour, the type of thing that will make you feel sick afterwards and you think "i'm NEVER going to eat that sht again" but you do because your not allowed. Why do i do everything i don't want to do, i know that's something to do with phychology but i can't be bothered to study psycology, even though i do want to. What is going on with me. All my decisions are blowing away in the wind and there was no point in even making. I'm a planner. I sit and plan my whole life now because that's all i have to do with my time because i can't do socialise and do the things i want to do and i never complete anything in thoses plans and then it's too late. Opportunity missed. Do you know what i'm exhausted. i hope i sleep and get up early and manage to do at least one of the tiny things i needed to do. I hope i won't scare any potential friends away like i always do but i will, not that i'll ever get the opportunity. I scare people away just by looking at them, i have all my life, then people blame me for not giving enough eye contact. People just want someone whos as normal and social as possible with as many friends as possible who isn'y too arsed about them. Maybe i'm being like that now. The main thing i care about is what my family think and they really don't care. They don't want me anymore, why arn't i getting the drift. Then again what if i'm annoying them but i can't tell because they're not communicating to me, whos fault is it then? Well it's my fault for not doing anything about it to make things right and get communication going but what if that would stress them out and they don't want me in their life anyway? It's because it's that time of year, this is all i think about in december 24/7


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