This week has been a bit of a struggle for me, especially with my self-image and confidence (both of which have been fluctuating greatly). Because of the way I've felt, I've gotten into a bad habit. When I'm starting to feel down on myself and the way I look, I feel like giving up and ruining my body so I eat and eat until it feels like I'm going to burst and my tummy is stretched tight as a drum. Then I feel so guilty, I go to the bathroom and spend up to an hour vomiting up every last drop of food that I just ate until there are tears streaming down my face from the acid and my nose is terribly congested. It's not a pretty sight. However, doing it feels comforting and numbing- while I'm purging, it's the only thing that I'm able to focus on; everything else disappears. I don't do this every day, but rather 2 or 3 times a week. I'm also not going it to lose weight, but moreso as a method of self harm (like how I used to cut).
It all sounds so stupid and I could sit and make excuses for myself all day, but the bottom line is that I know it's wrong, unhealthy and that I shouldn't be doing this. I should be especially wary of it because I am a survivor of bulimia and anorexia. It's been several years since I've dealt with either, but it was really bad when I was dealing with them. I'd lost a lot of weight and had become very unhealthy. I don't plan to go down that road since this time I'm not doing it for the sake of losing weight (there are my darned excuses again), but I know I should stop. The thing is, the thought of not having self harm as an outlet scares me. Is it disgusting that self-inflicted pain has become the most comforting thing to me? Even moreso than the arms of the few people that love me? I would just go to them when I'm feeling down, but they're all dealing with their own demons and I don't want to interrupt that or get in the way. I don't want to cause anyone distress. Doing things that I love, like reading, drawing or making music, aren't enough to keep me distracted. I find myself putting my book down and staring at a wall, daydreaming about how good it would feel to take a blade or a flame to my legs and how relaxing it would be. I'm taking my medicine and seeing a doctor as well as a therapist- I don't know what more I can do. I truly am trying to be clean and healthy, but my mind just won't stay put.