This is really important. I know how small it must seem to other people, but I made it through the night. I made it without touching that damn drug. Now, it’s too late to break, and change my mind. But, it’s hard to be excited by this, right now.
I talked to my friend, tonight. He called, which I didn’t expect. We usually just chat on the internet. I only heard his voice for the 1st time yesterday, during a really brief exchange on the phone. We talked a little longer today. Which was cool… it’s odd having gotten so close to someone I’ve never met in person – it’s good to at least hear his voice. He made me laugh, like always. And, then… he talked me through the period of time when I could have fucked up. I’m certain I wouldn’t have made it throuhg today without his help. He got me through the hardest part of the day, just talking to me, and being there for me. I am really lucky to have found such an awesome friend. It’s so crazy – as much as I wish he was closer (he lives pretty far away), it’s amazing that we found each other at all. I was so close to giving up, completely. So alone… so heartbroken… I wanted to die. Some days I’d think about pulling an OD, and trying to make it seem like an accident (thinking it wouldn’t upset the people who love me as much, if I didn’t do it on purpose – I know how nuts it sounds, but I wasn’t thinking straight), or even just… wandering into traffic – I thought if I made it look like a total accident, minus any drugs, Charlie would get my life insurance money – that seemed like a worthwhile thing to do, at the time.
But, now… I have this friend who’s somehow able to break through my sadness. No one else has been able to do that (and some wonderful people have tried – Mags and Jordan are awesome friends, but I was so far past their help). But, now… I can’t explain it. He just talks to me, and… it just helps. We laugh, and we confide in each other, and… it’s meant so much to me. Anyway… I’m really grateful to him for helping me get through this first night.
He’s an amazing person.
Today was really draining.
I hope I feel stronger tomorrow. I can’t keep leaning on him this hard. He has his own life, and his own shit to worry about. But, talking to him does help me, so much.
I need to get some rest, soon. I am supposed to go see a play, tomorrow. My friend Anna is stage managing, and has invited me and a guest to come check it out tomorrow – I’ll be hitting up the matinee with my friend Jordan. We’re all supposed to hang out afterward and I am a [email protected] wreck. Well… I’ll take some more meds, and try to sleep, and hope my body isn’t in open revolt when I wake up.
I thought about Minuet tonight. She would be eight years old now. Older than my nephew… I was so young and stupid, but I did everything right with her. I wouldn’t even take Tylenol, or drink beverages with caffeine. But, she was born at 23 weeks, with underdeveloped lungs. I never would’ve let myself become… what I’ve become… if I’d had her to look after. But, everything’s so different, now. And, I don’t understand anything more.